Press * for Frustrated

　
I’m a glorified collector. What am I saying? I’m a collector. I’m not glorified at all.

I punch in, pour a cup of coffee, dump some almonds on a paper towel, and adjust my headset. Then the fun begins.

I collect money from insurance companies for hospitals.

Believe me, it’s not an easy job. It’s not as hard as tarring roofs (haven’t done) or waiting tables (have done), but it’s certainly not for a person with anger management issues. Luckily, anger is not one of my vices.

A typical phone call goes like this;

I punch in the 800 number and get a recording.

Welcome to the Blissful Wellcare Plan. Please note our selections, as our menu options have changed. If you are experiencing an emergency, please hang up and dial 911.
Press one if you are a member.
Press two if you are a provider.   I press two.
Please enter your ten digit tax ID now.    I enter the ID.
I’m sorry. That’s not a valid number. Please enter your tax ID now. I enter the ID again.
That is not a valid number. Please enter your ten digit tax ID now
That is not an option. Goodbye.  I am hung-up on by an automated message! It’s humiliating to be dumped by a phone.

I find a different 800 number for the company.

Welcome to the Blissful Wellcare Plan. Please note our selections as our menu options have changed. If you are experiencing an emergency, please hang-up and dial 911.
Press one if you are a member. Press Two if you are a provider. I press two.
Press one if you are calling about BWP CFT Northwest Division.
Press two if you are calling about PWP P-PUCK or PSN BWP Southwest.
Press three if you are calling about BWP Community Care Network Slightly Eastern-Western Division. Press Four if you are calling about BWP PSN PEE-PUCK HMO. (What do these things mean??????)
Press five if you are calling about BWP- CFT-HP Central Plan.
Press six if you are not sure.    I press six.

 I listen to very bad music for about 10 minutes. A woman named Corinne answers the phone.
"Hello.My name is Corinne.How may I assist you?"
“ I’m calling to check an account for a Blissful Wellcare Member who had a hospital stay in our facility in June. Can you track a claim for me?”
“What’s the member’s ID?” (I think she’s chewing gum.)     I give her the ID.
“Ma’am, that’s a BWP Northwest plan. Let me transfer you now.” I tell her the same thing I told Corinne and provide the member’s ID.
“Ma’am, this is not claims. Let me transfer you to the correct department.”    More bad music.

Welcome to the Blissful Wellcare Plan. Please note our selections as our menu options have changed. If you are experiencing an emergency, please hang-up and dial 911.    Nooooooooo! I punch zero.
That is not an option. Goodbye.

I start over.
“Hello, this is Corinne. How can I help you?”
“Yes Corinne. You transferred me to the department you told me I needed and I spoke to Johanna who told me I should talk to the claims department and she transferred me back to the menu options. I simply need to check the status of a claim.”
“But you have to talk to the correct PLAN ma’am. Please hold and I will transfer you to claims.”

Welcome to the Blissful Wellcare Plan. Please note our selections as our menu options have changed. If you are experiencing an emergency, please hang-up and dial 911.
Press one if you are a member. Press Two if you are a provider.  I press two.
Press one if you are calling about BWP CFT Northwest Division. Press two if you are calling about PWP P-PUCK or PSN BWP Southwest. Press three if you are calling about BWP Community Care Network Slightly Eastern-Western Division. Press Four if you are calling about BWP PSN PEE-PUCK HMO. Press five if you are calling about BWP- CFT-HP Central Plan. Press six if you are not sure.  I'm doodling so I miss the prompts.

And so it goes. Who knew there were twelve different ways to say one insurance plan? No wonder elderly people can’t find out anything about their coverage. They need a liaison with a master’s degree to sort it out.

I finally found my way to the right department after another conversation with a very ticked off Corinne and two more conversations with Johanna. The amount of the claim in question? Four hundred dollars. Here’s the thing, even after I track down where the claim is, I know something will happen and it will get hung up when it's transmitted. Then I’ll make four or five more calls to track it down again. When you extrapolate mine, Corinne’s, and Johanna’s wages, as well the cost of our blood pressure meds, you will probably exceed four hundred dollars.

If this is an emergency, dial 911.