The Results Are IN

Kari Kennedy- age 51- died .She worked out all the time.

Bare cement. Got the results back from the physical at work. If you get good results from blood-work etc. you get an automatic 250 bucks applied to a flexible spending account. If you get a “referral” it means you failed your physical and have to go to a doctor to get it signed in order to get the 250 bucks. Last year I passed. This year I failed. What the fuck????

I NEVER eat fried food…not even fries! I eat salad and fish every day. And lean ground meat with blue cheese with avocado sometimes. I have, like, eight things in my eating repertoire. I drink water constantly.

My blood-work = everything that should be low is high and everything that should be high is low. I do a thousand fucking crunches a week. OK, so I don’t go on long walks or take zumba classes. And I also tend to enjoy red wine.
So what?  It's not like I lay around and eat fried chicken and chug pop!

I still FAILED. I lost an INCH in height in one year. I weigh one hundred and sixty pounds!!!
I have officially become a short, fat, old wattle-necked lady.
I am un-dateable.
The only people that will date me now are people more reprehensible than myself. But I will not date those people. I may be gross…but I won't date other gross people just because I’m gross too.Jeezus.

So I’ve taken to my bed when I'm not at work since discovering that I'm  an unhealthy troll.  I used to be meticulous, but my house remains half-cleaned because I ran out of steam. I can’t believe I didn’t adjust the rain bonnet on my giant rubber duck a long time ago. It’s been crooked for ages. In the old days that crooked cap would have driven me crazy. I straightened it tonight…and I didn’t even WANT to. It just seemed so…so… HARD.

I don’t know what else to do except wait for the stroke to hit me and hope it kills me and doesn’t leave me hard to take care of. I wouldn't mind a small stroke that would re-route my thought process to be more imaginative, or give me the ability to learn another language. (I’ve heard that can happen.) But we don’t get to choose these things. We don’t get a disease buffet where we can pick our maladies.

Apparently, being proactive about health doesn’t guarantee much. I’ll still do my crunches tonight and take a shit-load of vitamins. But I’ll still be 5 feet 4 inches tall and ONE HUNDRED AND SIXTY POUNDS.

I’m going to buy a bag of chips. I haven’t had one in the house for years. Screw it. I’ll eat chips and fart all night to my heart’s content until I have the big one.