Monday, September 5, 2011

Garbage at the Bottom of the Chute

I’ve hit an all-time low. Please don’t tell anyone. I found a trash novel in the break room and brought it home. On top of that, I watched Jerry Springer all morning while other people are celebrating Labor Day at the beach or at cook-outs with family and friends. I quit drinking two days ago and it’s come to this. I think sometimes people get worse when they quit drinking. I know that was the case when Kris Kristofferson quit drinking. He went from an incredible songwriter and co-star in A Star is Born [with Babs] to… Big Top Pee Wee.

Well, I’m here to tell you I’m living my own Big Top Pee Wee today, Labor Day, 2011.

I can honestly tell you I’ve never watched Jerry Springer. It’s not that I’m too intelligent or sophisticated to view such horrible examples of humanity. I’m not. It’s just that this particular sampling of horrible humanity was not one I was familiar with.

My daughter made me watch an Anna Nicole Smith Marathon on one of her visits. We like to enjoy quality time with each other because we’re lucky if we see each other for more than two days every two years, so we make the best of it with trash TV, thrift stores, and Cuban food. We’ve watched hours of Absolutely Fabulous, The BBC version of The Office with Ricky Gervais, (3 years before the U.S. version…she keeps me cool), and movie marathons like when we watched The Big Lebowski, Chocolat, and The Royal Tenenbaums back to back. We look for bizarre things on E-Bay too. I think we spent 2 or 3 hours trying to find a little magnet toy I loved as a kid. But by far, the most disturbing TV that I’ve seen is the Anna Nicole Smith series. May she rest in peace.

Jerry Springer consists of over-sexed, unemployed, intellectually challenged, carbon beings who have no problem getting all dressed up to do everything but take a crap in front of a mocking, angry mob. There are “bouncers” who are there to separate them when they fight, which is apparently a requirement. They even ring a bell signaling new rounds. Lord Jeezus help me. At the end, the “guests” sit on the stage while the angry, mocking mob takes turns throwing clever insults at them. The mob members probably sit through the show with a pen and paper thinking of wildly original insults, and then they memorize their very best ones so that if Jerry calls on them they can wow and delight everyone with their biting commentaries. Here’s an example; “Yo, the tall guy up there that looks like Snoop Dog with rabies ought to **bleep** the little Rican with the big bootie since he thinks he’s another Charlie *bleeping* Sheen!” The audience laughs and applauds appreciatively. So then the “guests” start screaming back at their detractors and now the bouncers have to intervene between the audience members who are smugly above all it all and the “guests” who are the scum of the earth. It’s terribly, terribly sad. I guess it’s much like it used to be in ancient Rome with the gladiators, lions, and screaming throngs.

I don’t think Rome had commercials though.

It’s interesting the kind of commercials that play during Jerry Springer.

Cheap car insurance (fitty bucks a month)
Amscot Loans (Loan Sharks R Us)
Walmart (duh)
Lawyers (1-800-ax-Gary)
Cheap Dentures (same day service)
Cubicle Colleges (Names you’ve never heard of)
Massage Schools (I take personal offense at this)
Glass Repair (Fix that broken windshield that Bambi bashed with a sledgehammer)
After Hours Pediatric Urgent Care (I don’t even want to go there.)

Oh look…it’s already 4 in the afternoon and I’ve wasted almost the whole day. Guess I’ll go read some more of the blockbuster, Pulitzer Prize winning novel Poor Little Bitch Girl by Jackie Collins.


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