Getting to Know You

It’s so fluffy comforter when things come to mind that tickle the shit out of me. 

The gods of cyberspace, algorithms, and demographics think they have me all figured out. HAHAHAHA!!!!!!!

Kronos is the the god of time, the All Devouring, (even of his own children). That’s also the name of the company that makes the time clock I punch every morning.  Funny, because in a very weird way I feel like I’m being devoured every time I swipe my card. By the time I go home I feel like there isn’t much flesh and bone left.  I’m a mere turd after nine hours of being digested in the belly of the beast.  I thought I was just a normal working stiff.

It turns out I’m sooooooo much more. 

The world of marketing thinks it has me pegged. I received an American Baby magazine last week.  The week before that I received an Urban Outfitters ad.  I also got my new AARP card. Marketers place us in neat boxes based on our online searches.  They should never try to box-in a writer.  We look everything up. Whether we need to or not.

Kronos has nothing on me.  I am the great and powerful OZ.  I am everyone…and no one. HAHAHAHAHA!!!!

According to the demographics I am;

A senior citizen in the market for a new scooter, orange-flavored Metamucil, and the latest news in Alzheimer’s medications.  I’m  also pregnant and in need of advice from other young mothers. I get pop-ups about breast pumps. I am a male and a female because I get pop ups bout sexy babes looking for a guy like me.  I’m gay.  I’m straight and desperate to be married. I’m a college graduate.  I am a Wal-Mart shopper. I shop at Nordstroms.

I hate guns.  I love guns.  I’m a liberal fascist.

I weigh over 200 lbs. and need lap-band surgery.   I’m a hot twenty-something.  I’m almost dead.   I love cats and hate dogs.  I love dogs and hate cats. I raise hamsters and hedge hogs. I’m a Move-On member.  I’m a Rush Limbaugh ditto-head.

I’m asthmatic and suffer from bone loss.   I have heart problems.  I’m shopping for places to rock climb, work out, and dive.  I eat health foods and vitamins.  I get Cheetos samples and cigarette coupons in the mail. I’m a gourmet cook.  I drink pop and eat cheeseburgers at fast-food places.

I need a face lift, neck lift, and breast reduction.    I need breast augmentation and hair transplants. I’m a family person. I am a loner and need information on agoraphobia. I qualify for trade school as an auto mechanic. I can get money quickly from Amscot. Charles Schwaab wants to talk to me about investing.

I can get my Master’s degree at Phoenix..

I can get my GED.

I have a crappy credit score.  I have an amazing credit score.

I own a home and shop for furnishings from all over the word. I need siding and Behr paint for my Cape Cod in the Hamptons.

I should consider disability and a low-rent housing for seniors.

I’m single and need to find my one, true love online.  I’m married and need to think about a cemetery plot for the two of us.

I love punk rock and Barry Manilow and the Three Tenors. (What the F***?)

I’m an Etsy girl and a Good Housekeeping matron.

There are even more that I could tell you about, but apparently I have very little time to spare from my busy social life, or more time than I know what to do with but I’m too depressed to go on.

You know what’s going to be cool?   When I post this on my blog the ads are going to go all over the place.

  I can’t wait.