Lordy lordy lordy!! Can I get a witness?? Hallelujah, or however the hell you spell it...
I guess all those feng shui chain e-mails I've religiously been forwarding to at LEAST ten people every time I get one (or it doesn’t work) have finally paid off!
THANK YOU JEEZUS!
I got two, count em’ TWO, notices in the mail today from two official places notifying me that I've WON!!!! One place in Long Beach New York who goes by the name of PMB 309 tells me I have absolutely won one million four hundred dollars!!!!!!!! All I have to do is send them nineteen dollars and ninety nine cents and they will cut me a check. Can you IMAGINE???? And the other place is from the Issuance Office of Westbury New York. I won one million EIGHT hundred dollars from them. All I have to do is send them twenty dollars and they'll cut me a check too!!!
Both of them ASSURE me that I've won. I guess all that crying and praying paid off!
There is a God.
What are the ODDS that TWO places have money to give me????
So I decided to sign my name to the official forms and send them an assurance that I'll pay them the nineteen dollars and ninety nine cents and the twenty dollars [respectively] just as soon as they send my money. Hell, I'll round both of them UP!! I'll send them twenty and Thirty dollars just as soon as I deposit my millions and figure out my taxes...wait, do rich people have to pay taxes? I'll have to look into that. Maybe I don't have to pay SHIT! But I'll still send these fine people the fee they need to process my millions.
I'm sure whoever cuts the checks makes at least fifteen an hour, so they have to charge more to anticipate that they may go in to overtime. I totally GET that.
I think I'll quit my job and go back to college and take LIBRRAL ARTS courses just to piss off Rick Scott! He sure hates anything with the words Liberal around it. He figures anything liberal is a waste of time. I'll take humanities and archeology and political science and theology. Maybe I'll minor in journalism so I can write more in-depth stories about what a supreme asshole he is rather than just write pissy blogs about him.
This is soooooo unbelievable. I just can't wait to be a rich person. I'll pay my rent two months in advance and finally get a neck lift. I'll buy scallops every other month!!! Maybe I'll buy a blouse at Macy’s! And shoes!
I may even splurge and visit my daughter in San Francisco since I haven't seen her for two years. Maybe I'll pay for her doctor’s visits since she hasn't been able to get insurance because she doesn't qualify for social assistance even though she works. Too bad she didn't take BUSINESS courses in college so she could work in retail with her friends who have business degrees but can't find jobs or pay their loans back.
HA! At least they didn't take liberal arts courses. Then they'd REALLY be screwed.
I need to be wise though. If I pay ahead on my rent and get a neck lift and buy expensive blouses, I will already have pissed away my earnings. I'll have to find a mentor to guide me.
Perhaps I should write to Rupert Murdock! HE certainly knows how to hold on to his money. I don't think I want to ask Warren Buffet what to do because he may tell me to give a bunch of money AWAY. That would suck.
Oh wait...there's some kind of faint water mark on the back of these checks. Why, they both say that I haven't really won the money yet. I won't know for sure until I pay them.
I'm sure it's just a simple formality. I'll go ahead and send the signed checks back with the assurance that I'll pay them when THEY pay me.
It works for Wall Street, right?