Lester and Home Decor

Lester Allen Klein has an eye for design.   He's been practicing his keen sense of placement and an eye for the aesthetic for as long as I've had the dubious pleasure to know him.

Honestly, I don't know what I'd do around here without his help and advise, right?  He actually believes I know nothing of interior design.

Just today he felt the need to bring the silk flowers out of the china cabinet and arrange them on the terrazzo. He asks me what good they are hidden away?  He also has no patience for my cluttered window sills and makes short work of the shampoo bottles lined along the window in the bathroom shower, knocking them to the floor of the tub and arranging them in a  more pleasing design for me to enjoy while bathing.  He carries this philosophy over to the sill above the kitchen sink, knocking the hot sauce bottles down to give the space a more zen-like appeal.   Less is best in his mind.

He proved to me that broken glass ornaments catch far more light than when they hang  intact  from the branch of a tree.   The little bits and shards here and there lend interest to the rather dull complexion of the terrazzo when moonlight shines through a freshly cleared window. He's actually created large holes in the blinds to achieve this.

Just the other day I found him (just in time!) as he demonstrated how to work with toilet paper.  His quick, efficient motions turned an otherwise boring roll of paper into a fluffy nimbus cloud.  This was one of his conceptual pieces.  But  he's not limited to paper. He's also worked with a red wine medium...instinctively swirling it over fiber (my rug) for an interesting tie-dyed effect.   It was pretty amazing.  I honestly don't know where he gets his ideas and the energy to bring them to fruition!

He had a fit when I arranged a collection of rubber ducks on an end table in the living room.   He couldn't wait to move them under the coffee table.  He rolled his eyes as he explained that you should always keep a collection at, or below, eye-level.  He proves this every single day when I stubbornly move them back to the end table.  We simply can't agree on this one.     He's also meticulously removed most of my refrigerator magnets and discretely slid them beneath the refrigerator.  He hates those things.

It's not as though he's always been a fine artist.  Oh nooooooo.   He got his start in the gutter.  He'd kill me if he knew I was revealing this to you, but his snobbish behavior is really getting to me.  He thinks he's so high and mighty when he rearranges my life.  He doesn't allow me to control ONE ELEMENT of design in my own home.  Hello?  I BOUGHT all the shit around here.  He hasn't brought one thin dime into this house, yet he treats me like a moron when I try to do anything.   He follows behind me and changes everything.  Bastard. 

So here's the skinny on Mr.Lester the "fine artist."  Artist Shmartist!  His PHD (Pussy of Hostile Design) is entirely in his head.  I checked his creds.  He has no certificate.     Are you ready for this?  Lester was heavily into kitty porn, posing many times for provocative publications.  I found a collection of his photos in a brown envelope near his litter box.Well, shit belongs with shit... feel what I'm sayin? The return address is for some company named ACME Aesthetics.    So that's where Mr.Better Than Everyone got  his art background.   There are MANY photos in that envelope. You just have NO idea.  And those little, black rectangles? They don't cover much, let me tell ya.

That's why I needed to share this tid-bit of information, to bring that tabby down a peg or two.Ever since I brought him home from the Humane Society he's acted like he did ME a favor.
 
I gotta go.  He's clearing another shelf.  I'm thinkin this is going to be a two sheet day, at best.