Under the Table

He handed me the brown plastic bag under the table.  My palms were sweaty and I glanced around nervously to see if anyone in the room had noticed.  It was tightly wrapped in cellophane within the bag. I’d never tried it before.  I couldn’t believe that of all the things I’d tried in my fifty-plus years, I’d never tried this. 

I felt ashamed and ridiculous.  I wondered if I was having some kind of a mid-life issue.  I realized that by placing this experience in a mid-life category I expected to live to 114.

Still, here I was, accepting the goods under the table.  It was lighter than I expected.  I hoped it wouldn’t crumble and somehow escape from the bag into my purse.  I wondered if it could be detected by dogs.

That evening I gingerly un-wrapped it.  At that point I still wasn’t sure I’d actually ingest it.   There, on my kitchen table, to the left of the salt and pepper shakers, it lay before me …pale and cold.

Two large squares of matzo.

Oh hell, I thought.  Just do it.    I bit off a corner of one of the crackers. It was kind of bland.  It reminded me of a saltine without the salt.  I immediately began to think of ways to experiment with it.

Soup was too obvious.    Butter, too boring.  Jelly…well, jelly just seemed WRONG.

My bachelor-food mind kicked in.  Bachelor food is food you throw together based simply on a craving.  It takes a minimum of time, less than five minutes.   It’s instant gratification and is usually eaten while standing at the kitchen sink, or worse, in bed.  It’s food that first strikes you as appealing when you open a cupboard or fridge.  It is not terribly healthy stuff.  It’s also not food you serve to other people because it’s your own intimate craving.  ( You wouldn’t expect someone to scratch their back in the same spot as the itch you have on your back, now would you?)  

I placed the Matzo on a paper plate and shmeered it with olive tapenade.  Then, I drizzled Hunan hot pepper oil over it.  I placed thinly sliced provolone cheese on top.Everything’s better with cheese.  I popped it in the microwave.  Bachelor food generally involves a microwave. It took about a minute.

I decided to take it to bed, I was that attracted to it.

Oh MAN, it was GOOD.  It was WAY good.   My endorphins were all over the place and my pupils, I’m sure, were dilated.  I didn’t even care about the mess.  It WAS messy.  GOD, was it messy.  The cat was disgusted and took his leave.  

There is still a stain on the sheets.  

I have added Matzo to my grocery list.