Selling Out and Spiders

So now I’m a blogger with ads. I’m a sell-out. Why the hell not? I need the money and I’m too old and asexual to be a prostitute. Not that I would be a prostitute. I’m just sayin.

It’s interesting how the ads are chosen for my blog based on “key words.” They [THEY] have decided that sink holes and home foundations would be good for my demographic. There is currently a sink-hole ad on my blog. They must have assigned them based on the fact that some of my days are “bare cement” days. Or maybe the laundry chute in and of itself was instrumental in  getting an ad about holes.

Then there’s the brain damage ad. That’s kind of a no brainer. But why no cat ads? Why no neck-firming or Amazing Lifestyle Lift ads? Why no I-hate-Rick Scott T-Shirt ads?

I woke up this morning with two little red marks, like a vampire bite, just below my right clavicle. I understand that spider bites look this way. It’s definitely not mosquito bites or Lester claw marks. They’re not zits.

So if they are spider bite marks, I want to know why spiders bite that way. Why do they bite, crawl straight up an inch, then bite again? Are they OCD? Do they go back to check on the first bite? It’s not just one bite, but not more than two. To be one bite it would have to be a fairly large spider with a mouth as wide as Farah Fawcett’s, may she rest in peace. And I don’t mean literally that wide, but relatively speaking for a spider. So tonight I will spray between my sheets with Raid. I don’t care if I die. I’m scared to death of spiders. I’d rather die from Raid than from a spider on a rampage.

I don’t think a recluse is the offender. If it were a recluse the two red marks, one directly above the other, would be large, gaping, festering wounds by now. Wait a minute, let me just check…oh good. Not gaping and festering. Not a recluse.

I doubt if they're bed bug bites. Kristin was attacked by bed bugs in New York a few years ago. She looked like the Elephant Man, may he rest in peace. She said she couldn’t go anywhere but Wal-Mart because she looked so bad. At least at Wal-Mart she looked normal. Her friend Jane, who lives in Brooklyn, came to stay here around the same time as a bunch of Kristin’s friends.  That’s a whole other story. Anyway,  I went to get some water out of the fridge. There was luggage in there. Jane said she put it there in case she brought bed bugs from NY. The fridge apparently keeps them at bay.

Bugs can be fairly annoying. I don’t think they set out to be. It’s just their nature...like Republicans hate poor people and people from other countries. They can’t help it. It’s who they are.

I suppose it could be worse. (I’m back to my spider bites.) My friend Stephen told me a story about when he was 12 or 13 and went fishing with his uncles. It was no-see-um season. No-see-ums are tiny, tiny little bugs that have a terrible disposition and bite the crap out of you. They are the piranhas of the gnat world. Before the guys went fishing they stripped down and sprayed Off! all over their bodies.
(Do you think the mention of Off! will trigger bug spray ads on my blog?)

Stephen did not wish to remove his undies so that area remained unsprayed. Apparently the little bastards will bite right through clothes. But he didn’t think of the no-see-ums when he developed a terribly raw, itchy, rash all over his happy area. His mom took him to the doctor who surmised that he’d man-handled himself too much. House would have asked more questions and arrived at the proper diagnosis. But House wasn’t on TV yet.  (K-Y ads?)

Stephen is gay,  but I don’t think it’s because of the no-see-ums.

My Dad and Uncle Jay invented a musical instrument that was actually several things that made noise attached to a stick. All you had to do was bang the stick on the floor while striking a symbol attached to the side with clangor-thingy. They called the instrument a norongaway because there was no wrong way to play it!

But that has nothing to do with no-see-ums or spiders. Or random ads on a blog, for that matter.

I’m off to fumigate.