Monday, March 14, 2011

Safety Harbor Under Siege

My neighbor calls them “Ninja worms.”    Technically, they’re called  "oak web worms.”  Technically they suck.

I was pretty surprised to hear that she was terrified of the little yellow bungee- jumping annelids.She rides a motorcycle.  She works on it too.  She seems like a pretty fearless woman even without the Harley.   She has admitted that she won’t walk down our shady street into town until they’ve all disappeared. (They typically hang down from oak trees in the spring.) She basically stays in the house when she's home this time of year.
Really?    Having the knowledge that something like little hanging worms terrify the likes of her made me feel, oddly,  fearless.  I’m not fond of the creatures…don’t get me wrong.  But they merely annoy me. I’m not terrified of them like I am, say, everything else in existence.  (Spiders, death, crowds, fast cars, dirt, high places, math, etc. etc.)   In the realm of worms I was braver  than her!  It was thrilling.

I imagine her rushed to the ER.  The paramedics work on her as they speed down the road.  They get to the hospital…a Dr. rushes out and asks, "what have we got here?  Cardiac arrest?  Stroke? Motorcycle accident?"   And the paramedic yells "Clear the way and get a bed ready!! She’s been attacked by web worms!  She may not pull through!  AIR!  We need AIR here!"

I knew this would not have been just a fantasy had she gone through what I endured this past Tuesday.

 It’s still fairly dark when I leave for work in the morning.   I noticed that my big outside trash bin was full.  Our pickup day is Tuesday so I decided I better wheel it to the curb.  Little did I realize I would walk through a canopy of webs and worms in the few short steps it took to get to the bin. I thought I’d walked through a spider web, so I jumped up and down frantically brushing myself off.  I refrained from screaming because the neighbors’ windows were open and the Chihuahuas would go crazy and wake up the whole street.  I scuttled the bin as quickly as possible down the driveway to the curb, still brushing myself off frantically.  I imagined I had a wolf spider somewhere on my back or in my hair.   When I was satisfied that I’d jumped and flailed long enough to knock it off,  I got into my car.

The reality of my experience revealed itself when I stopped at the first red light and the sun streamed into the car.  I was covered with worms.  Tiny yellow, black-headed worms were crawling over every inch of my body.  After I got over the initial shock and disgust, I was amazed.  I’d never experienced THIS many worms in any previous spring season that I could recall.  Certainly not all over my body.   I imagined the whole scenario in a Brian DePalma horror film.  THE WORMS.

[Voice-over]    So you think you’re safe in your quiet little town, living your quiet little life?  Little do you realize what lurks above and around you with every step you take.  They’re ugly and insidious.  They will encase your home, your plants, your pets and your loved ones with their indestructible smothering webs!!! Whuuuuuhhaaaaahhaaaa!  It’s THE WORMS!

Needless to say I was pretty preoccupied as I sat at the red light picking the things off my clothes and my hair. The guy behind me laid on his horn.  Why is it always a guy?  Just sayin.     He had no idea what I was dealing with.  I stopped picking at worms long enough to get to work safely. I concede that it was not a good thing to do while driving.  In the parking lot I continued brushing the little bastards off. I crawled around in the car and flicked herds of them off the seats. (Is it a herd of worms? Pod?)   I had webs hanging on each side of my face with squirmy worms on the ends doing cirque du suworm acrobatics.  I had a fleeting thought of a good costume for Lady Gaga. 

I found them all day.  Most of them were squished into my clothes by late afternoon.  I even found a couple of  tenacious little buggers crawling along my computer keyboard!   One almost made it into my dinner later that night.  I found one in the book I’m reading. (Book worm?)

You just can’t imagine. Everything around the house looks like an evil spell has been cast on it.  Everything is wrapped in a web cocoon. There are curtains of worms hanging EVERYWHERE. 

The exterminator said there’s really nothing we can do.  He says they’ll disappear in a month.

But it may be too late…we may all be gone by then.            Send help.

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