Stuff I Wish I Still Had

Surviving yet another rapture has me reflecting on all the stuff I wish I still had. Most of my friends are at an age where “stuff” is becoming unimportant. They’re cleaning out and simplifying. They’ve become more spiritual, so “stuff” doesn’t matter.

I’m not more spiritual yet. I hang on to memories that are attached to things with a death grip. Even as a kid, I was sure that inanimate objects had feelings. I dragged my blanket around until it was a tiny square of cloth. It was my best friend. “Someone” took it away from me while I slept. Mom told me it died and went to heaven. I was devastated. I didn’t care that it was in a better place. I just knew it wasn’t with ME any more.

I’m not a hoarder. I swear. My house is clean and fairly organized, but there are things I will never part with…I don’t care if it’s the end of the world. It’s going to be hell for someone to sift through all this shit when I die. I mean, who really needs a Jimmy Carter peanut roach clip or a pair of my daughter’s jellies that she wore when she was two? Plastic does not hold up well when stored in Florida. I had to throw away her Johnny Jump Up and her little rolling saucer chair because they totally fell apart. It was horrible. I don’t even want to THINK about my horse statue collection out there in a plastic bin. I hope they aren’t suffering….
Still, things have disappeared over the years that I wish like hell I still had. I’m sure I didn’t get rid of them, but “someone” did.

I wish I still had my Red, Stella Harmony six-stringed guitar that Dad bought. It was the best gift he ever gave me and it was just from him. I wanted to be a guitar player so Mom bought lessons to go with the Stella. I think I took three lessons. The first song I learned to strum was Please Release Me. I never practiced. I always wanted things to come easily…working at shit wasn’t my M.O. I couldn’t play like Leo Kottke right away so I leaned the guitar against the wall and quit. I think it was sold at a garage sale for 25 bucks. God I wish I still had that thing.

I had a big quartz stone that I got on vacation with the folks. We went to Mammoth Caves. I LOVED Mammoth Caves. I have a picture of me and Mom posing in front of the stalactites and stalagmites. I’m about as tall as her knees, wearing corduroy pants, jacket too tight for my kid-belly, and a babushka that really accentuated my big nose. I loved that hunk of quartz. Same with the little Cedar box they got me in the cabin store in Cooks Forest on a camping trip. I liked to open it and smell the forest. It’s gone. And the ballerina jewelry box that played a beautiful song that I’ve never heard since.

I want my little magnet set I got in the bathroom vending machine at Ho Jo’s on the turnpike. It was a turquoise coffin with an orange mummy. If you rubbed the mummy against the back of the coffin and then tried to put him back in he would pop out. I'd play with it for hours in the back seat while Dad drove us to wherever our summer vacation was going to be.

I wish I still had my Annie Hall Movie poster. “A Neurotic Romance” Loved it.

I wish I had my 40 inch gray, pinstriped hip-hugger jeans and my fringed leather jacket.

I wish I had the giant Ragetty Ann doll that a boyfriend gave me.  He also hand-stitched a shirt for me...wish I had it.  Best boyfriend I ever had.

I had a butter-soft leather halter-top that tied with thin leather cords across my back. The front was embellished with beads and feathers. I looked a lot like Cher for a couple years.. I thought I still had that halter top up until a few years ago. It’s gone to halter-top heaven…alas.

Believe it or not, I wish I still had my wedding ring. I have NO idea where it went because I fully intended to keep it. But I’ve looked for it so many times. I asked Kristin if she has it. She doesn’t. Gone. The only one I still have is the little ring that I used to joke came from a cracker jack box because the “diamond” is a chip barely visible to the eye. Her dad sent it to me in a letter when I’d broken up with him and moved to Florida. It was a sweet gesture, so I moved back to Ohio and we got married. He replaced the cracker jack ring with the one that I wish I still had.He was able to buy a better one with the money he made from selling….no, I won’t go there.I wish I had Mom and Dad’s stereo on which they played Ferrante and Teicher, Mantovani, Herb Albert, and Jimmy’s first Beatles album. Grandma’s blonde wood vanity with the big circle mirror that went all the way to the floor would be nice to have. I also wish I had the 30 inch gold chain that I used to wear around my waist that fell off while I was doing drunken cartwheels on the Tippecanoe golf course at midnight. I’m sure it was carried away by the crows that nested there.

I know. It’s just stuff. But it’s the memories that live in the stuff that I miss. Sometimes I can feel memories more intensely if I have something tangible in my hands. Eventually, the things I still have will end up in thrift stores, closets, and landfills. But for now, they’ll live with me and help me remember better times.

If I had that Stella and leather halter top it would sure be a fluffy down comforter landing day.  Or not.  After all, it's not things that bring us happiness...right?