Hope for $49.95

Dr. Oz is making me fat and poor.  

Not that I wasn’t already.   But the bucks I’ve invested in diets could have bought some decent food at the grocery store.  Still, I enjoy macaroni. It’s cheap and easy to make.

I believe I’ve tried all of Mehmet’s sure-things.

I deserve to be on a first-name basis with him since I probably helped him buy the front bumper of his Ferrari. The network for my morning news plays the teasers for his show when I’m examining my stomach in the mirror before my shower. 

“Tune in to Dr. Oz and hear about the three foods that will guarantee you to lose nine pounds a week!”

The first teaser I ever heard, at least a year ago, mentioned saffron.  As soon as I got home from work I Googled Oz/Saffron and there he was with his miracle pill.  It was a specially formulated saffron extract.  All I had to do was take one before each meal with LOTS of water.  It was $49.95 a bottle.  I was beside myself with excitement.  I had a small bag of chips to celebrate.   As soon as the box came, I ripped it open and downed TWO to get a head-start.   I looked in the mirror to see if it was working yet.  I laughed at my silliness.  Of course it’s not working!  It will be at least a few days!

By the end of the week I had bloated like a toad and couldn’t stop belching.  I think my skin had turned yellow, but it’s hard to tell because it’s kinda my natural shade.   Plus, I had a Donovan brain worm in my head every time I took one of the damned things.

I’m just mad about Saffron,
Saffron's mad about me..
I'm just mad about Saffron,
she's just mad about me
{Refrain}
They call me mellow yellow
(Quite rightly)

                                                        

 After two weeks of waddling around like a pregnant woman I was no longer mellow.  I was pissed.  I was NEVER going to buy his damned pills again.

 But by then I was in the Oz demographic.   Every time I logged on I’d receive ads for the NEXT Dr. Oz diet that was making a hit in Hollywood. Then I’d hear the ads on TV.  There he was, telling his audience about a supplement that would literally EXPLODE the fat cells in the body.  Everyone WOULD lose weight, guaranteed.

 As soon as I got home I watched the show Online. My man Mehmet asked a tearful woman if she was ready to change her life.  There was a HUGE photo of the poor lady in her underwear and a sports bra.  I cringed.  He then demonstrated to the audience how  Raspberry Keytones literally disintegrate fat.  He used balloons filled with water that were frozen and lined up in a box. He poured some kind of stuff over them that made them totally burst and melt away.  I had to admit it was a cool demonstration. It was certainly better than the time he had actual human fat, freshly suctioned from someone, in a big glass jar…

I ordered a box of Raspberry Keytone supplements for $49.95.  A woman called right after I ordered them (big brother is watching) to tell me that if I threw in another ten bucks she’d send me TWO bottles.  I pictured all my fat exploding and my stomach shrinking away to nothing.  I had a small bag of chips to celebrate.

When the box with the two bottles of the stuff arrived, I ripped it open and took three pills to get kick-started for the week.  I pictured them coursing their way down my esophagus in a rush of water to land in pillows of yellow fat.  I could SEE the fat exploding and melting away.

In two days I was bloated like a toad and couldn’t move without farting.  Oh, those fat cells exploded alright. Still, I was determined to take the whole bottle.  I gained six pounds.  I cursed Dr. Mehmet Oz, and whenever I heard the morning teasers for his show I rushed from the bathroom and whipped him the bird with both hands. 

A few months later my stomach reminded me of a medicine ball.  I could actually lift it up and drop it as if it were a separate entity.  I looked at a picture of myself at forty. In it I’m smiling with my daughter in Atlanta.  I weighed 127 pounds.  I had just had my belly-button pierced in Little Five Points, a cool area of shops, tattoo parlors, and bars.

 I could no longer see my naval ring because my stomach had eaten it. 

As I wrote a story one evening, a new ad caught my attention.   Dr. Oz had a supplement that was touted all over the world.  Not only did it make you lose weight, but it extended your life!  His formula was the purest and best.

“You bastard!”  I yelled as I placed my order.   I received my green coffee bean extract for $49.95 a couple days later.  I ate some chips and ripped open the box.  The minimum balance on my Visa card had doubled.

 

I’ve been taking them faithfully for two weeks now.  My stomach is a balloon.  I believe if you attached a basket to my feet I might be able to carry people through the sky over open farmland. But I will take them.

I think this means that I’m a hopeful person… or unbelievably stupid.

I still rush to the TV every morning and whip the bird at his smiling, skinny face.  He’s smiling because I’ve now funded the back bumper of his Ferrari.