tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-73310447136727917572024-02-20T13:15:45.007-05:00Stuff From the Laundry ChuteDaily, weekly, or monthly observations from beyond the laundry chute.D.Kleinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03828095496569335217noreply@blogger.comBlogger103125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7331044713672791757.post-53481948271600973772013-08-18T15:29:00.002-04:002013-08-18T15:29:19.840-04:00Afternoon GreasePotato chip grease on my fingers,
decanted cheap wine on my tongue-
On the table, a dollar store book with broken spine,
by a forgotten-if-ever-known author .
Cat hairs cling to pages in static disarray
like tiny Pick-Up Stix.
Cat sleeps asshole-close to
my chip hand.
Rain splatters the Cuban anole
on the sill outside... he bobs approvingly.
It’s a perfect Saturday afternoon.
There was a dollar in the washing machine
and a post card of big trees and canyons in the mail.
A gaggle of butterflies looped and tilted
in the steamy aftermath of negative ions.
A double rainbow graced us with its presence,
a prima-donna arriving late to the party,
steals all the attention.
A perfect Saturday afternoon.
and the wine burp indicates
a nap is in order.
Cats join
assholes away.
Paws caress my face
as rain starts again …
D.Kleinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03828095496569335217noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7331044713672791757.post-85616934638837344502013-07-02T21:09:00.001-04:002013-07-02T21:09:45.062-04:00http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cGgDjbW6_uE&feature=youtu.beD.Kleinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03828095496569335217noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7331044713672791757.post-59464763805707634672013-06-16T17:04:00.001-04:002013-06-16T17:04:21.203-04:00Frontal Lobe Failure – Saturday Syndrome<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">Dust bunnies form gangs and lurk in corners.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">They multiply at my feet.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">They have no shame.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">Clutter closes in.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">The implements of war against filth<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">are ready, <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>waiting for their Captain to call them to action.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">They lean casually against the wall.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">Mr. Clean whispers to the Kenmore,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">soliciting a blow job.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">The bucket bums a smoke. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">I, Captain of the Domicile,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">write <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">fuck my life</i> in the dust on my desk.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">I edit the Drag Queen’s memoir.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">I re-write then re-write the re-write.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">I move towards the implements of war.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">Passing the bathroom I wonder if<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">I’ve brushed my teeth today.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">The Captain is AWOL.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">The house is in chaos.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">A flea hops a ride on my ankle.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">I wonder about duct tape.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';"><o:p> </o:p></span><span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';"><o:p> </o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">Afternoon creeps up on little cat feet <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">and leaves a trail of litter through the house.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">I must dye my hair.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">I will dust after I dye.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">The flea sucks the Captain dry.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">Mr. Clean has shot his wad-<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">Creepy, bald dude.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">The Captain must dye. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">The tiny, bloated flea rides<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">a dust bunny as if a rodeo clown.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">The Captain, on the way to the front<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">has an idea.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">I will glue flowers, and frogs<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">to flip-flops.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">Dust mingles with E600 glue.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">The Captain is incompetent.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">There are old avocados in the kitchen.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">I make guacamole. There are no jalapenos.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">I am out of duct tape and<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">it is the first day of hurricane season.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">When does ACE close?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">The afternoon wears on<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">like a bad lover who won’t stop<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">touching the wrong place.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">Perhaps there is time for a nap,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">but the sheets are in the wash</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">and the bug spray hasn’t dried on the mattress.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">Mr. Clean is bored.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">The Captain should dust before<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">the bunnies morph to foxes.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">Little Foxes was a movie.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">I should Netflix it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">But the chaos is around me.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">Morale is low.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">The chifferobe threw- up clothes<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">that don’t fit.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">It purged chunks of cloth into a puddle<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">on the floor.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">While the Captain dyes<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">clutter wreaks havoc and<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">I check email.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">Oprah has not replied … the bitch.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">It is too soon to receive another<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">rejection from Sy Safranski at The Sun.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">Sy Safranski at The Sun.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">Sy Safranski at The Sun.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">Flowers and frogs on flip-flops.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">The Captain has gone <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">mad.</i><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">I haven’t called [<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">anyone’s name here</i>] in a while.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">I pick a number from my book. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">I’ll talk for just a while. I’ll have wine.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">The Captain has officially lost the war.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
D.Kleinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03828095496569335217noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7331044713672791757.post-44442543423014321142013-06-05T22:14:00.000-04:002013-06-05T22:14:46.106-04:00MAILING ERNIE<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times','serif'; font-size: 16pt;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: 'Times','serif'; font-size: 16pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Times','serif'; font-size: 11pt;">Monday I came home to a rusted tricycle, a paper bag full of empty cigar boxes, a large, crumpled garage mat, and a full bottle of white zinfandel. They were piled by my door like dead animals the cat brought home.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Times','serif'; font-size: 11pt;">I knew Ernie was at it again.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Times','serif'; font-size: 11pt;">Ernie is one of those rare individuals that warrants his own sitcom, or, at the very least, a human-interest story on PBS.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You may know the “Ernie types”. They are the <span style="mso-bidi-font-style: italic;">characters </span>among us who inspire long, speculative conversations.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>These folks are the source and inventors of funny stories. They are the people you cannot ignore, nor would you want to.They are the people that keep life colorful.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Times','serif'; font-size: 11pt;">I met Ernie years ago when I took a job in a factory … a print shop, to be precise.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was a big, loud, dirty place.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’d never worked in this kind of an environment. Mind you, I’m no princess.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I never worry about my nails, or getting dirt under them. I’ve pounded bottoms into hassocks with a rubber mallet, and pumped gas in a blizzard at the height of the shortage in the seventies.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ve had numerous waitress jobs, managed a blue jean store, written a little column for a town paper, and sold concrete, cosmetics, and rain lamps. I have driven to hospitals <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>thirty miles apart to review medical charts for Medicare.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But in all of these scenarios, I had <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">never </i>met anyone quite like Ernie.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Times','serif'; font-size: 11pt;">I took the job at the print shop for the benefits. It was supposed to be temporary, until my massage practice could become more lucrative. I worked there for nine years…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Times','serif'; font-size: 11pt;">Anyway, Ernie had worked in print shops all his life. He knew how to operate a multitude of machines from stitchers to folders, and all of the strange apparatus in between. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I always suspected that new hires were placed with Ernie as helpers to initiate them<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>into the reality of the print shop.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Times','serif'; font-size: 11pt;">Ernie is a big, lumbering guy from Newark, New Jersey. He has thick, silver hair that he combs into a DA (Duck’s Ass) in the same manner as the Fonz. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>While we’d work, <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>he’d tell a million stories … and some of them were probably true.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He liked to quote The Godfather. His favorite line was “Vengeance is best when it’s cold.” That was also his philosophy. He called me “kid”. I liked being his helper. I could hold my own and I knew it wouldn’t be a boring day. In short, we liked each other. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Times','serif'; font-size: 11pt;">After he left that job, things began to appear on my porch. I moved twice, but the intermittent offerings would still find their way to my door.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was Ernie’s way to make sure you wouldn’t forget him, as if anyone ever <i>could</i>. I knew the stuff came from him because many of the stories he told me <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>involved clandestine “drops” at the homes of friends, as well as enemies. There were no horse heads that I’m aware of, but for years … <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">years</i>, I’d come home to find old toys, boxes of rubber bands, a wine rack, rolls of shrink wrap, a vintage Royal sewing machine, old beach chairs, t-shirts on wire hangers, shoes, and the contents of drawers, or perhaps glove compartments, consisting of expired AARP cards, broken pencils, drink coupons from Casino Cruises, Doctors Appointment cards, and movie ticket stubs.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Times','serif'; font-size: 11pt;">Enough was enough.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had to get even. A few of my friends, who are artists by profession, provided the inspiration. They told me about a “mail art” gallery show they’d attended in Chicago.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Mail art consists of things that creative people send to each other in the mail. Some were artistically embellished postcards and letters, but much of it was outrageous items that was decorated in some fashion, taken to the post office, and mailed as is. You can mail just about anything, believe it or not.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Times','serif'; font-size: 11pt;">The post office weighs it, slaps a label on it, and off it goes. Sometimes it gets to the destination intact, sometimes not. But it doesn’t matter.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Times','serif'; font-size: 11pt;">The point is that it <i>went.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></i>That was the fun of it…people never knew what they would find in their mailbox, or <u>when.</u><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>God forbid a lucky recipient would actually have to go to the post office and <i>pick it up.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></i>The gallery show displayed examples of great things that made the journey, bowling balls included.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Times','serif'; font-size: 11pt;">It occurred to me that I could <span style="mso-bidi-font-style: italic;">do this<i> </i>to<i> Ernie</i></span>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I started to save the things he left on my porch. Then I turned them into something else and mailed them <i>back.</i><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I wove rubber bands into an alligator post-card.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>An old eyeglass case was doused with the anisette liquor that had been left with it on my porch the day before. It became a holder for an original little story, with a picture on the other side.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I made collages out of Ocean Spray labels from the empty bottles Ernie would leave, combined with other things I’d find in the bags with them.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Times','serif'; font-size: 11pt;">He started to leave bigger things to <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">challenge</i> me. I’d <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>find a way to turn them into <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">something </i>and mail them back. Eventually, the porch offerings began to taper off. But I knew I hadn’t won by a long shot.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Ernie LOVED this shit.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Times','serif'; font-size: 11pt;">It was during this time, probably inspired by Ernie <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">and</i> the Chicago gallery show, <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>that a few of us began sending mail art to each other. I received collaged plastic bottles, 45 RPM records with designs painted on them, and once, a plastic martini glass, which didn’t make it intact. (The postal people were kind enough to put the pieces in a zip-loc and deliver them…) I received Pez dispensers and plastic fish. Not to be outdone, I mailed a stuffed bra mounted on a board (like a dead fish) that was embellished with Hershey’s kisses.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I stood in line with it at the post office …at Christmas time. Mothers shielded their children from me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Dunedin Postal workers were very helpful and have excellent senses of humor, as do the Safety Harbor postal people, where the bra ultimately landed (and had to be picked up by the recipient.)<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The Hershey’s kisses were no longer on it, just tattered pieces of silver foil. I learned that a clunky high-heeled shoe costs $2.88 to mail, and postage labels fit quite nicely across the toe.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Times','serif'; font-size: 11pt;">Then Ernie delivered a beat-up straw hat which he propped against my my back door.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Times','serif'; font-size: 11pt;">I decided it was time to enlist the troops and do a “pass-the-hat” mail attack on him. I painted the hat lavender and wrapped it with a gold lame` band. I took it to the post office. I sent it <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>to one of my co-conspirators with an attached list of names inside. Each recipient was to embellish it in some way, then mail it to the next person on the list. The hat passed through several creative hands. About a year later it was returned to the last person on the list … Ernie. <i>Last</i>, but certainly not <i>least</i>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Times','serif'; font-size: 11pt;">Ernie never made mention of the hat but sent a brief, scrawled note on the back of an old motor lodge post-card. The note stated he was going to Texas for the holidays to visit his kids. Life went on, the holidays came and went, and I moved.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Times','serif'; font-size: 11pt;">Monday I came home to a rusted tricycle, a paper bag full of empty cigar boxes, a large, crumpled garage mat, and a full bottle of white zinfandel … and a <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>lavender, embellished hat, with photos of it in every room of Ernie’s house. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Sylfaen','serif'; font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-family: Sylfaen; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;">Published in Volume XVI, Number 3/ Tropical Breeze independent newspaper-March 2006-Editor & Publisher, Floyd E. Egner, III<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> Ernie passed away on 6/1/13. </span>Rest in Peace Ernie.</span>D.Kleinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03828095496569335217noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7331044713672791757.post-20458330874784117492013-04-24T18:04:00.000-04:002013-04-24T18:04:19.857-04:00Soul Captors <div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Soul<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Captors </span></b><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p> </o:p></span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif'; mso-fareast-font-family: Batang;">I have no place for birthday cards.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif'; mso-fareast-font-family: Batang;">Sentiments became folly<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif'; mso-fareast-font-family: Batang;">scattered on the floor.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif'; mso-fareast-font-family: Batang;">There are no flowers in my vase, [pronounced VOZ]<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif'; mso-fareast-font-family: Batang;">for they do not permit <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif'; mso-fareast-font-family: Batang;">They insinuated themselves into my home<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif'; mso-fareast-font-family: Batang;">only to treat it with complete disregard.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif'; mso-fareast-font-family: Batang;">What motives lie in ambush<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif'; mso-fareast-font-family: Batang;">beneath calm and sleepy exteriors?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif'; mso-fareast-font-family: Batang;">Others are shocked<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif'; mso-fareast-font-family: Batang;">by the chaos they wrought.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif'; mso-fareast-font-family: Batang;">They speak Fursee<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif'; mso-fareast-font-family: Batang;">and move with the shadows. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif'; mso-fareast-font-family: Batang;">I no longer admire the beauty of <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif'; mso-fareast-font-family: Batang;">a Mexican bowl.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif'; mso-fareast-font-family: Batang;">It is locked away for the eyes of no one.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif'; mso-fareast-font-family: Batang;">There is no place for toilet paper.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif'; mso-fareast-font-family: Batang;">It is shredded into clouds at my feet<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif'; mso-fareast-font-family: Batang;">And I must resign myself to Kleenex,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif'; mso-fareast-font-family: Batang;">which is a brand name like Xerox.</span><span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif'; mso-fareast-font-family: Batang;"><o:p> </o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif'; mso-fareast-font-family: Batang;">They do not believe in wine, fine or otherwise.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif'; mso-fareast-font-family: Batang;">So they knock the glass from my hand<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif'; mso-fareast-font-family: Batang;">splattering the walls.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif'; mso-fareast-font-family: Batang;">They mock me. They sit on my muse.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif'; mso-fareast-font-family: Batang;">They want their demands met<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif'; mso-fareast-font-family: Batang;">or else. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif'; mso-fareast-font-family: Batang;">I have no place for Christmas cards.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif'; mso-fareast-font-family: Batang;">The Fursee rings in my ears<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif'; mso-fareast-font-family: Batang;">as they careen<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif'; mso-fareast-font-family: Batang;">through my sanctuary, ricocheting off walls<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif'; mso-fareast-font-family: Batang;">like little<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>hairy<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>bullets. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif'; mso-fareast-font-family: Batang;">They make love on my bed<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif'; mso-fareast-font-family: Batang;">and force me to watch.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif'; mso-fareast-font-family: Batang;">My jewelry is not safe.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif'; mso-fareast-font-family: Batang;">They have a crow’s fascination<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif'; mso-fareast-font-family: Batang;">for shiny things.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif'; mso-fareast-font-family: Batang;">They steal it … hoard it,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif'; mso-fareast-font-family: Batang;">exchange it for catnip<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif'; mso-fareast-font-family: Batang;">in dark alleys.</span><span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif'; mso-fareast-font-family: Batang;"><o:p> </o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif'; mso-fareast-font-family: Batang;">They intercept my packages<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif'; mso-fareast-font-family: Batang;">destroying the contents,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif'; mso-fareast-font-family: Batang;">requisitioning the boxes for hideouts. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif'; mso-fareast-font-family: Batang;">The big one stares into my eyes<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif'; mso-fareast-font-family: Batang;">demanding I stroke his long, stipe-ed <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>arms. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif'; mso-fareast-font-family: Batang;">The little one, in training, more cautious<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif'; mso-fareast-font-family: Batang;">as she tentatively taps my face<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif'; mso-fareast-font-family: Batang;">and drools on the pillowcase.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif'; mso-fareast-font-family: Batang;">She wears all black.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif'; mso-fareast-font-family: Batang;">They belong to the same faction.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif'; mso-fareast-font-family: Batang;">My house is under siege.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif'; mso-fareast-font-family: Batang;">Nothing is safe.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif'; mso-fareast-font-family: Batang;">I have cats. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
D.Kleinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03828095496569335217noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7331044713672791757.post-42546373820333258632013-04-24T17:52:00.000-04:002013-04-24T17:52:01.436-04:00Just Checking In<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">I've been neglecting my blog.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia;">The last couple days have been a bad B movie. I opened the door to the basement, knowing full-well there were monsters in it and I went down anyway.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia;">As far as an excuse for the rest of the time there's been no update? Just didn't feel like it. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia;">I will allow that recent events, and my usual lack of seratonin account for a little too.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia;">However, the monsters are gone for the time-being. <span style="font-size: xx-small;">yaaaaaaaaay</span> They left a nasty mess though.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia;">And get THIS, I ordered <em>another</em> fucking bottle of a "Dr.Oz sure-fire remedy."</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia;"><em>Step Right Up Ladies and Gentlemen</em> [Read SUCKERS] for <em><u>this</u> time we really <u>do</u> have the ultimate cure-all. REALLY. It's called Garcina Cambogia Extract. It will totally get rid of your belly fat! <span style="font-size: xx-small;">****with diet and exersise***</span></em></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia;">As I approach 173 pounds, (even after trying every sure thing the wizard behind the gray curtain has touted, given aire to, BUT HAS NOT OFFICIALLY ENDORCED,) I considered having a huge, black "L" tattooed on my forhead.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia;">Also. If there is anyone who actually visits the chute now and then, you may have noticed that I've been trying my hand at poetry. I NEVER thought I would EVER be attempting poetry. But there you are. Never say never. I really hate cliches. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia;">I have an enormous stash of really OLD stuff in the archives that await visitors ...like Puff the Magic Dragon, they've been alone and forgotten. Please pop your head in and read one or two.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia;">Hope all is well. D.</span><br />
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D.Kleinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03828095496569335217noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7331044713672791757.post-15811050333973464542013-03-15T21:47:00.000-04:002013-04-24T17:58:48.246-04:00Better in a Burka<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Andalus; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">Another Facebook picture , <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Andalus; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">another ghastly pose,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Andalus; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">I am not anonymous-<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Andalus; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">rather … tragically exposed.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Andalus; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">Years attacked my body like<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Andalus; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">marauding, <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>angry, <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>hoards. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Andalus; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">The pounds piled on so stealthily<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Andalus; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">that I want to scream out loud.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Andalus; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">REALLY?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This FIT last week! JEEZUS.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Andalus; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">I considered donning a paper bag,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Andalus; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">I thought about logistics.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Andalus; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">But the inside of a paper bag<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Andalus; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">has pretty bad acoustics.</span><span style="font-family: Andalus; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p> </o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Andalus; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">Then there’s all that stuff <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">below</i> the chin, <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Andalus; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">that everyone can see<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">,</i><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Andalus; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">The years of <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">hot </i><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>are <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>way long-gone,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Andalus; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">sooooooooo … </span><o:p></o:p></div>
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<span style="font-family: Andalus; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">this was my epi-pha-ny.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Andalus; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">I’d be better in a burka!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Andalus; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">A burka would be best.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Andalus; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">Not only would it hide my face,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Andalus; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">but also all the rest!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Andalus; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">Better in a burka<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Andalus; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">of purple, plaid …<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">jacquard</i>.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Andalus; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">I might like to embellish it<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Andalus; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">with utter disregard.</span><span style="font-family: Andalus; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p> </o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Andalus; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">Tulle around the bottom,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Andalus; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">a bird’s nest on the top.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Andalus; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">I could <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>punk a few with safety pins<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Andalus; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">and sell them in a shop.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Andalus; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">Burkaloungers?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Andalus; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">Burkalesque?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Andalus; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">Planet Burka? <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Whaaaat?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Andalus; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">I would sell them on the beach<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Andalus; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">from a little burki hut!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Andalus; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">Abaya … Abaaaya!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(sung to the tune of Day-o)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Andalus; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">Old age come and<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Andalus; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">me wanna lie low…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Andalus; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">Burkas would be good<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Andalus; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">on more than just <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">my</i> frame.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Andalus; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">Let’s examine possibilities<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Andalus; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">and even name some names.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Andalus; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">Plummers would be <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">swell </i><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>in them,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Andalus; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">as would Walmart shoppers.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Andalus; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">I’d be thrilled to see The Donald<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Andalus; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">in at <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">least</i> <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>a burka topper.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Andalus; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">Sports Illustrated could do a shoot<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Andalus; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">atop a Swedish barge.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Andalus; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">with super models rocking burks<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Andalus; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">in bathrooms where they purge.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Andalus; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">I think Bieber needs a burka, <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Andalus; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">And Pat Robertson’d be grand.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Andalus; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">His would be so <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">holy</i><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Andalus; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">but <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">never</i> second- hand.</span><br />
</div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Andalus; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">Mel Gibson … Charlie Sheen, <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Andalus; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">Clarence Thomas,</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Andalus; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">On them they woule be keen!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Andalus; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><em>One</em> could hide<em>three</em> misogynists<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Andalus; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">without letting out a seam!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Andalus; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">I think Plastic Surgeons' works</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Andalus; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">would benefit from the cover<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Andalus; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">of <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">gracefully</i> <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>draped burkas <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Andalus; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">so the rest of us don’t suffer.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Andalus; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">Burt Reynolds, Kenny Rogers,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Andalus; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">Prissy Presley, what a <em>mess</em>.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Andalus; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">There’s almost more bad work out there</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Andalus; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">than burkas can address.</span><span style="font-family: Andalus; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p> </o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Andalus; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">And so-</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Andalus; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">as I wrap this little poem up, [no pun intended]<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Andalus; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">I’ll leave you all with this-<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Andalus; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">If anonymous is what you crave<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Andalus; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">A <em>burka</em> is pure <em>bliss</em>.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Andalus;">-D.Klein 3/3/13<o:p></o:p></span></div>
D.Kleinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03828095496569335217noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7331044713672791757.post-21260284709620987912013-03-03T20:54:00.000-05:002013-04-24T17:52:59.401-04:00I Am Curious [Cheese]<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Andalus; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Andalus; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">I get my endorphins from <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">cheese</i>.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Andalus; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">The udder gooeyness,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Andalus; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">the melty ecstasy,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Andalus; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">the sheer, unbridled joy of it … cheese.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Andalus; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">I get <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">my</i> endorphins from cheese.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Andalus; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">The second the buttery<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Andalus; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">drug is dragged across my tongue,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Andalus; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">pupils dilate and<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Andalus; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">I’m filled with a sharp,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Andalus; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">unpasteurized rapture<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Andalus; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">I ask Aristaeus to forgive<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Andalus; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">my wanton gluttony<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Andalus; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">and udder disregard of <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Andalus; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">this mortally mortified body-<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Andalus; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">itself becoming a parcel of pastey,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Andalus; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">cheesey curds.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Andalus; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">I GET my endorphins from cheese.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Andalus; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">No longer the slave<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Andalus; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">of a Kenmore plug-in,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Andalus; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">and the constant threat <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Andalus; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">of carpal tunnel from<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Andalus; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">repetitive motion. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Andalus; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">But the lifting of briny brie is a <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">gentle</i> exercise,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Andalus; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">a delicate motion,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Andalus; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>a natural thing. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Andalus; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">I get my endorphins <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">from </i>cheese yo.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Andalus; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">It makes me crapulous,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Andalus; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">noxious and lazy with<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Andalus; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">goosebump shivers and <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Andalus; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">crazy-assed dreams.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Andalus; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Yo momma’s <span style="color: #333333;">candidum penicillin.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: Andalus; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Fuck chicken soup.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Andalus; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">I float away on udder <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: Andalus; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-style: italic;">ammoniated</span><span style="color: #333333; font-family: Andalus; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"> <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>gasses and</span><span style="font-family: Andalus; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Andalus; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">cottage cheese clouds.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Andalus; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Tongue-tied to the <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: Andalus; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-style: italic;">bloomy rind of<i> </i></span><span style="color: #333333; font-family: Andalus; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">camembert<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: Andalus; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">and sharp cheddar chidings.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Andalus; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">I get my endorphins from cheeeeese<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Andalus; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">and <span style="color: #333333;">the body within the rind.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: Andalus; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">For beauty is far deeper <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: Andalus; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">than what the eye beholds.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: Andalus; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">There is more to it than mold. </span><span style="font-family: Andalus; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Andalus; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">-D.Klein 3/3/13<o:p></o:p></span></div>
D.Kleinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03828095496569335217noreply@blogger.com14tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7331044713672791757.post-36331376760272069872013-02-19T20:42:00.000-05:002013-04-24T18:01:21.683-04:00Shooting Blanks<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Baskerville Old Face','serif';">Too lazy am I for prose …<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Baskerville Old Face','serif';">poetry’s what goes on the <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Baskerville Old Face','serif';">empty document that <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Baskerville Old Face','serif';">mocks my lack of imagination.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Baskerville Old Face','serif';">The glaring white square<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Baskerville Old Face','serif';">scoffs and calls me a sprinter.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: 'Baskerville Old Face','serif';">You can’t <u>handle</u> a marathon.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Baskerville Old Face','serif';">I have a notion,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Baskerville Old Face','serif';">an inkling, <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Baskerville Old Face','serif';">a kernel of thought.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Baskerville Old Face','serif';">I tap with two fingers<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Baskerville Old Face','serif';">and the page can barely <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Baskerville Old Face','serif';">contain itself.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: 'Baskerville Old Face','serif';">You call that a poem??<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Baskerville Old Face','serif';">Word document casts<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Baskerville Old Face','serif';">a pale blue light<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Baskerville Old Face','serif';">across my face.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: 'Baskerville Old Face','serif';">I wish you could see yourself .<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: 'Baskerville Old Face','serif';">It’s not your best side.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<br /> </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Baskerville Old Face','serif';">I power down<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Baskerville Old Face','serif';">smug in the knowledge<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Baskerville Old Face','serif';">that I can silence it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Baskerville Old Face','serif';">I pull a sheet of paper<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Baskerville Old Face','serif';">from the printer, <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Baskerville Old Face','serif';">and a pen from the bowl.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Baskerville Old Face','serif';">I draw boxes ... spirals ... arrows.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Baskerville Old Face','serif';">The paper scoffs.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: 'Baskerville Old Face','serif';">You think if you touch me <o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: 'Baskerville Old Face','serif';">the words will come? <o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: 'Baskerville Old Face','serif';">It will take more than doodling on me<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: 'Baskerville Old Face','serif';">to make them come, you word whore…<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Baskerville Old Face','serif';">The pen whispers<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: 'Baskerville Old Face','serif';">stroke me.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Baskerville Old Face','serif';">I rip the 8 by 11 sheet in half-<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Baskerville Old Face','serif';">then quarters, <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Baskerville Old Face','serif';">I crumple balls</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: 'Baskerville Old Face','serif';">for the cats to chase.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Baskerville Old Face','serif';">I have the last laugh.</span><br />
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Baskerville Old Face','serif';">But the balls sneer up at me<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Baskerville Old Face','serif';">from the terrazzo<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Baskerville Old Face','serif';">like a body-less dwarves.</span><span style="font-family: 'Baskerville Old Face','serif';"><o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Baskerville Old Face','serif';">The pen laughs<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Baskerville Old Face','serif';">maniacally and spits<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Baskerville Old Face','serif';">black ink in my lap.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
D.Kleinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03828095496569335217noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7331044713672791757.post-21225556279313242262013-02-13T23:06:00.001-05:002013-04-24T18:32:20.146-04:00The Beautiful Truth<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Book Antiqua','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Arabic Typesetting';">God handed a bunch of guys<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Book Antiqua','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Arabic Typesetting';">(and one woman) <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Book Antiqua','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Arabic Typesetting';">Holy Pens … and said,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Book Antiqua','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Arabic Typesetting';">TAKE THIS DOWN. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Book Antiqua','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Arabic Typesetting';">Spitting on nibs<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Book Antiqua','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Arabic Typesetting';">the mortals poised pens<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Book Antiqua','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Arabic Typesetting';">above papyrus and awaited<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Book Antiqua','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Arabic Typesetting';">the Holy Word. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Book Antiqua','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Arabic Typesetting';">But the men did not fully<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Book Antiqua','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Arabic Typesetting';">receive the Holy Word<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Book Antiqua','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Arabic Typesetting';">because their minds<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Book Antiqua','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Arabic Typesetting';">wandered to concubines and <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Book Antiqua','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Arabic Typesetting';">roasted goat.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Book Antiqua','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Arabic Typesetting';">And so it was,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Book Antiqua','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Arabic Typesetting';">they put a spin on <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Book Antiqua','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Arabic Typesetting';">The Word of God,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Book Antiqua','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Arabic Typesetting';">(to save their holy asses)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Book Antiqua','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Arabic Typesetting';">believing <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>it was <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">sorta</i><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Book Antiqua','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Arabic Typesetting';">exactly what they heard.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Book Antiqua','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Arabic Typesetting';">And thus was the <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Book Antiqua','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Arabic Typesetting';">Word of God <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Book Antiqua','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Arabic Typesetting';">transcribed … <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">sorta</i>,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Book Antiqua','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Arabic Typesetting';">on papyrus, <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>stained<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Book Antiqua','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Arabic Typesetting';">with grease, mead, and<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Book Antiqua','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Arabic Typesetting';">barbequed baaaaaaaa.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Book Antiqua','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Arabic Typesetting';">The woman handed<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Book Antiqua','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Arabic Typesetting';">her transcription reverently<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Book Antiqua','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Arabic Typesetting';">to the men<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Book Antiqua','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Arabic Typesetting';">in order that they might bound<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Book Antiqua','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Arabic Typesetting';">it with theirs,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Book Antiqua','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Arabic Typesetting';">and thus it be named <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Book Antiqua','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Arabic Typesetting';">The Good Book.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Book Antiqua','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Arabic Typesetting';">They <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">accidently</i> left <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Book Antiqua','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Arabic Typesetting';">her meticulous notes <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Book Antiqua','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Arabic Typesetting';">in a terrible sandstorm,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Book Antiqua','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Arabic Typesetting';">because it was written … <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">sorta</i>,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Book Antiqua','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Arabic Typesetting';">that women weren’t<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Book Antiqua','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Arabic Typesetting';">smart enough,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Book Antiqua','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Arabic Typesetting';">funny enough,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Book Antiqua','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Arabic Typesetting';">strong enough,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: 'Book Antiqua','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Arabic Typesetting';">complex</span></i><span style="font-family: 'Book Antiqua','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Arabic Typesetting';"> enough,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Book Antiqua','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Arabic Typesetting';">to be trusted with <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Book Antiqua','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Arabic Typesetting';">The Word.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Book Antiqua','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Arabic Typesetting';">So it came to pass, <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Book Antiqua','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Arabic Typesetting';">Australian students<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Book Antiqua','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Arabic Typesetting';">on spring break made their<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Book Antiqua','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Arabic Typesetting';">way up Mount Carmel.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Book Antiqua','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Arabic Typesetting';">And thus did they pass a bottle <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Book Antiqua','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Arabic Typesetting';">of Sabra liqueur <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Book Antiqua','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Arabic Typesetting';">amongst them,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Book Antiqua','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Arabic Typesetting';">praising God in the Highest<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Book Antiqua','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Arabic Typesetting';">as the blessed nectar <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Book Antiqua','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Arabic Typesetting';">was lifted to meet their parch-ed lips.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Book Antiqua','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Arabic Typesetting';">One took leave of the others<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Book Antiqua','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Arabic Typesetting';">from out of the olive grove<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Book Antiqua','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Arabic Typesetting';">to find relief.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Book Antiqua','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Arabic Typesetting';">Who amongst you have not done thus?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Book Antiqua','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Arabic Typesetting';">And his stream was strong<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Book Antiqua','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Arabic Typesetting';">and sure,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Book Antiqua','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Arabic Typesetting';">and it wash-ed the dust from a <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Book Antiqua','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Arabic Typesetting';">sheaf of parchment, exposing<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Book Antiqua','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Arabic Typesetting';">the delicate symbols upon it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Book Antiqua','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Arabic Typesetting';">And there was much<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Book Antiqua','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Arabic Typesetting';">wonderment and joy!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Book Antiqua','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Arabic Typesetting';">For surely <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">this </i>holy relic <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Book Antiqua','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Arabic Typesetting';">would justify<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Book Antiqua','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Arabic Typesetting';">missing the tour bus.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Book Antiqua','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Arabic Typesetting';"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Again.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Book Antiqua','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Arabic Typesetting';">The learn-ed scholar pored<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Book Antiqua','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Arabic Typesetting';">over the sacred document,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Book Antiqua','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Arabic Typesetting';">having deciphered the message<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Book Antiqua','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Arabic Typesetting';">and carboned the dating … <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Book Antiqua','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Arabic Typesetting';">dated the carbon?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Book Antiqua','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Arabic Typesetting';">Carbon Dated? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Book Antiqua','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Arabic Typesetting';">He verified it was old.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Book Antiqua','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Arabic Typesetting';">And the learn-ed scholar,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Book Antiqua','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Arabic Typesetting';">redundant as this title may be,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Book Antiqua','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Arabic Typesetting';">determined that <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">this</i> was The Word,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Book Antiqua','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Arabic Typesetting';">The One True Word of God.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Book Antiqua','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Arabic Typesetting';">And thus had dictateth the Lord of Hosts:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Book Antiqua','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Arabic Typesetting';">Play nice.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Book Antiqua','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Arabic Typesetting';">Follow your heart. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Book Antiqua','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Arabic Typesetting';">Be kind to animals.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Book Antiqua','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Arabic Typesetting';">Don’t scare the children. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Book Antiqua','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Arabic Typesetting';">Don’t wake me<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Book Antiqua','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Arabic Typesetting';">UNLESS IT IS IMPORTANT,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Book Antiqua','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Arabic Typesetting';">And, if you want something done <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">right</i>,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Book Antiqua','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Arabic Typesetting';">ask a woman to do it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Book Antiqua','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Arabic Typesetting';">Amen<o:p></o:p></span></div>
D.Kleinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03828095496569335217noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7331044713672791757.post-62845477949124293832013-01-09T22:26:00.003-05:002013-03-03T20:58:16.894-05:00Capture and Release<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Georgia','serif';">I’ve never loved a man<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Georgia','serif';">in a life-together way.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Georgia','serif';">I love my man- cat, <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Georgia','serif';">my man-brother, <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Georgia','serif';">my man- friends.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Georgia','serif';">I loved my man-Dad.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Georgia','serif';">Never the men who peed around my toilet daily<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Georgia','serif';">or groped me early in the morning,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Georgia','serif';">(closet necrophiliacs that they were.)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Georgia','serif';">I never loved the man<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Georgia','serif';">who snored in great, gasping gusts.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Georgia','serif';">Or the one who picked his nose,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Georgia','serif';">gently rolling the thing before setting it on the night-stand.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Georgia','serif';">Never loved the one who gifted me a statue of a crow for Christmas.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Georgia','serif';">Nor the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">other</i> who gave me a statue of a crow for Christmas.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Georgia','serif';">Two men.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Two crows.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Georgia','serif';">One plaster.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>One tin.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Georgia','serif';">No love to the second power..<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Georgia','serif';">I never loved the photographer, who <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">loved</i> juicy peaches,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Georgia','serif';">and said pe<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">CANS</i> <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>instead of pe<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">CONS<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></i>until I wanted to scream.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Georgia','serif';">He loved taking portraits of naked women. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Georgia','serif';">Convenient. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He gave at the office.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Georgia','serif';">I never loved the musicians who loved to play<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Georgia','serif';">for [with] everyone else.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Georgia','serif';">Else why would they be musicians?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Georgia','serif';">I didn’t love the illustrated man with long, black hair<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Georgia','serif';">who freaked everyone out …<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Georgia','serif';">including me.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Georgia','serif';">I never loved the soft-spoken man who wouldn’t fight<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Georgia','serif';">for anything …<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Georgia','serif';">or any one, and agreed with everything<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Georgia','serif';">I said-- even when I didn’t agree with myself.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Georgia','serif';">Love is gentle and kind.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Georgia','serif';">It does not ponder <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Georgia','serif';">pillows and poison<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Georgia','serif';"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>and plates aimed at heads.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Georgia','serif';"><o:p> </o:p></span><span style="font-family: 'Georgia','serif';">If you love someone set them free.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Georgia','serif';">It has occurred to me that <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Georgia','serif';">I may have loved them after all.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Georgia','serif';">If this is the case.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
D.Kleinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03828095496569335217noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7331044713672791757.post-18528490060006566772013-01-08T21:41:00.001-05:002013-02-19T20:48:46.685-05:00Don't Hate Old Women<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">Faces allude me like <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">the point I wanted to make while you<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">were talking, <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>but I forgot what it was.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">It was just there on the horizon <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">at the edge of my mind.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">But I couldn’t grab it fast enough<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">when I saw it go over the side<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">into the void<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">of genius thoughts that never <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">come to fruition. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">Such a loss for humanity.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">Faces will be young or old,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">brown or beige or pink.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">Unless there are moles or scars<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">or big jug ears,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">the faces remain nameless.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">Pretty faces are the worst.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">Generic in their fortunate beauty,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">pop stars in blonde<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">and various shades of brown<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">and actors<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">on films who are interchangeable,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">unmemorable.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">But you think me a racist<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">because your handsome, brown man<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">eluded me.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">His face as beautiful as the <em>son</em>.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">But <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">you </i>would have eluded me as well.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">You,</span></i><span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"> with your posse of comeliness,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">had I not laid eyes on you<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">so many times before,</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">training my brain in recognition.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">All of you ... tanned and thin with long<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">golden-brown hair , chiseled features.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">You look the same to me.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">So I must be a misogynist too.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">Faces blur together. </span><br />
</div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">The names are worse when I call<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">them out loud.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">And they are wrong.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">Soooo wrong.</span><br />
</div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">To see a face many times,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">yet still fail in the naming …<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">not to be forgiven I suppose.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">It <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">must</i> indicate narcissism,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">lack of care.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It must be<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">ignorance,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">or rude disregard.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">I</span></i><span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"> will answer to anything.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">I </span><span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">will answer to anyone.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">Even the waiters ignore me</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Garamond;"></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Garamond;">as we share this restaurant.</span>
<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">Excuse me,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">Who did you say you were?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">Did you say?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">For I do not know<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">myself.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
D.Kleinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03828095496569335217noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7331044713672791757.post-3041132637519656362012-12-30T13:17:00.003-05:002012-12-30T13:25:56.607-05:00A day in the life<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I really don’t mean to brag, but my life is what it is and that’s just a fact.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I managed to sleep until 2:30 today and the dreams were pure genius, even if I can’t remember them entirely.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A friend crashed a wedding of thousands of people [all dancing in sync.]<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She ran in from a meadow dressed as a mosquito and immediately lunged at people, attached herself to them, one by one, and sucked their blood.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In another dream I was gorgeous and was sitting with three other gorgeous women in a restaurant in Miami.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A bunch of Spanish women stared at us through the window with looks of horror on their faces. “Why,” one of my friends realized, “they think we’re GHOSTS!”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ll bet if I put my mind to it I could go right back to sleep.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Never <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>say can’t!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I also plan to update THREE calendars.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>THEN, if time allows, I plan to shave the calluses off the bottom of my feet. Anatomy is SO amazing how it adapts, don’t you think?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My feet realized they must become <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">thicker</i> to haul the extra weight! They just automatically know to DO this!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I think I’ll shave them down to carry a 230 pound capacity. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
D.Kleinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03828095496569335217noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7331044713672791757.post-44660855499457155052012-12-28T19:44:00.000-05:002012-12-28T19:44:07.716-05:00Just a thought<span style="font-family: 'Calibri','sans-serif'; font-size: 11pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">So here we are on the verge of a new year that we totally made up because we had to figure out a way to count.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have just enjoyed some rice pasta, al dente, with freezer-burned salad shrimp, hot Hunan pepper oil, and Smart Balance Margarine.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I feel bad for married people, or those with companions, who have to think about dinner that will be pleasing for two.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Can you imagine?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Hey babe, I’ve made some rice pasta with freezer-burned shrimp, hot pepper oil, and margarine.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Come n get it baby-doll!”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So, as I sit here trying to digest my dinner, I think about the old man 2012 who will shit his pants on the way out, while a brand new 2013 will shit itself on the way in .<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It occurs to me that every year has some good shit, and some bad shit.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So it’s pretty much the same shit, but a different day. </span></span>D.Kleinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03828095496569335217noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7331044713672791757.post-55831778404168719422012-11-30T20:57:00.001-05:002012-12-30T13:33:38.581-05:00HELP ME HERE!!!!!!!!! Why do I have a chunk of WHITE in my Fear of Fklinging blog???? I've tried EVERYTHING. I'm going to scream. HEY BLOGSPOT people...fix this!!!!!!!D.Kleinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03828095496569335217noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7331044713672791757.post-90635226861411351832012-11-30T20:52:00.001-05:002012-11-30T20:54:59.162-05:00Fear of Flinging<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">I realized I had a problem when I hung up a brand new, black shirt and discovered I already had two that were exactly like it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">do</i> like black shirts.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Specifically, I like scoop-necked, short sleeve, long t-shirts in a cotton/ spandex blend.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But somehow I forgot that I already had one, (or more), when I bought it. I even got them all from the same place.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">I also tend to forget that I already have Duke’s mayonnaise [three jars at last count] and black yoga pants [two pairs, still with tags] as well. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>God I love yoga pants. No, I <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">don’t </i>practice yoga.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I practice eating macaroni salad made with Dukes mayo and the yoga pants allow me to do this comfortably. Still, when I pull my drawer out to put away my new black yoga pants, the exact pair stares back at me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s delightful, like Christmas, but also disturbing, like overdrawn at the bank.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">I hope I’m not getting dementia.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I remember going to my parent’s house and discovering that the pantry was full of Busch’s baked beans and little else.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This was about the time mail ordered items from Mom were arriving at my door on a regular basis.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I got things like Siamese cat salt and pepper shakers, several pairs, and anklets with bells on them like belly-dancers wear.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">I decided to Google obsessions and dementia. I hoped that my multiple purchases were merely an obsession. Obsessions are a little classier. I can at least tell people I’ve got OCD and take a drug for it. But dementia is not cool at all. It can involve adding <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Depends</i> to the black shirt and yoga pant obsession.</span><br />
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<br />
<span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"><span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">According to the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">American Heritage Dictionary</i>, an obsession is a compulsive preoccupation with a fixed idea, or an unwanted feeling or emotion.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Psychiatrists have even categorized them.</span></span><br />
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.25in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: 'Times New Roman','serif'; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman';"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">1.<span style="font: 7pt 'Times New Roman';"> </span></span></span><span style="color: black; font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">Somatic obsessions (hypochondria, dysmorphophobia)</span><span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: 'Times New Roman','serif'; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman';"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">2.<span style="font: 7pt 'Times New Roman';"> </span></span></span><span style="color: black; font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">Physical obsessions (eating disorders like anorexia and bulimia)</span><span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.25in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: 'Times New Roman','serif'; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman';"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">3.<span style="font: 7pt 'Times New Roman';"> </span></span></span><span style="color: black; font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">Sexual obsessions (paraphilia), and pathological jealousy. </span><span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">There does not appear to be a black shirt or mayonnaise obsession. Although I did not specifically search psychosis/black shirt,<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>or psychosis/mayonnaise.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">However, when I looked up senility, I found <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">this </i>definition;<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="color: black; font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">A deterioration of intellectual faculties, such as memory, concentration, or judgment.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></i><span style="color: black; font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman';"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="color: black; font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">Judgment and memory.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></i><span style="color: black; font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">It appears I fit more into the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">senility </i>category than the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">obsession</i> category. Greaaaat.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman';"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">I suppose this explains how I forgot how to open my car on the passenger side from the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">inside </i>of the car. I pressed the unlock function on my key and the little button wouldn’t go up.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So I tried to grasp the little button and pull it up, but it was flush with the door panel so I couldn’t get hold of it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I thought about trying tweezers, but I had no tweezers handy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had a corkscrew, a pen, and a Swiffer Duster.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I also had a front seat full of groceries.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So, cursing under my breath, I dragged everything over the gearshift and schlepped the stuff around the front of the car to take it into the house.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I then tried to unlock the passenger side from the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">outside</i> with my key but the little button STILL wouldn’t go up.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So I dragged the rest of the stuff over the gear shift as well. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">I told this story to a friend at work, lamenting that I’d have to get the lock fixed because otherwise I’d have to unload things across the driver’s side, and passengers would have to climb in that way too.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">“Why didn’t you just open the passenger door with the door handle?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She asked.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">“What do you mean?” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">She looked alarmed. “The DOOR handle.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Did you pull the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">handle</i>?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 12pt;">“</span><span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 8pt;">Oh yaaaaaaa</span><span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 12pt;">….”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">I had flash-backs of my Mom trying to turn on the TV with the phone, or clapping to turn off a lamp at my cousin’s house, over and over again, while we wondered what the hell she was clapping about. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I imagined myself in a facility flinging poo at the nurse’s assistant.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Someone once said we<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> become what we fear.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></i>Or maybe they didn’t say that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t know<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></i>It sounds like<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> </i>something someone would say.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>At any rate, it makes sense.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I mean, if we<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> are what we eat, </i>then why<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> </i>couldn’t we extrapolate that to <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">fear?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Based on that premise, <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I will become <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>a senile, fat, spider, in a filthy <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>nursing home that serves only pureed food. I will have to exercise all the time as well as climb sheer, high, rock mountains, (when not scuba diving,) and do lots of mathematical equations.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">But I think I’ve wandered off-topic.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">I work in an office that sends appeals to insurance companies.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Lori, who I always call Shelly, used to work at United. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She writes appeals to United now.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m very familiar with her history at that insurance company. She asked me one day if I knew anyone there.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Actually, I do.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My cousin was an attendant and her husband was a big-wig there too, I think.”</span><span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p> </o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Wow! How long were they with United? I might know them because I used to travel to the different offices.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“They both retired, so they must have worked there a long time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t know exactly <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">when</i> they retired. They live in a cool house on the west coast.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Can you write their names down?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have a friend who’s been in corporate for over thirty years. It would be cool if they knew each other.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">I wrote down my cousin’s name and told her they lived near San Francisco.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I said I thought her husband had actually been a pilot with them.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">She looked at me funny.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“So he has his own plane?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“No.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He flew for the company.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“So he was a big-wig in corporate and he also flew the corporate plane?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“No silly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He flew for <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">everyone</i>!”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Silence.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That’s when it occurred to me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was talking about the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">airlines</i> and <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">she</i> was talking about the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">insurance company</i>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We had a good laugh over the silliness of it all.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As soon as she went back to her desk I downed six gingko biloba vitamins and brewed a cup of Ginseng tea.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I wondered if a person could O.D. on Gingko…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Even though I’m fairly concerned about my mental faculties, I’ve decided to chalk it up to stress.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When it can’t be explained, blame it on stress. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And besides, you really can’t have too many yoga pants.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They fade quickly, loose their cling, and get all snagged and stuff.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was just being <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">smart</i> buying extra ones.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As for the mayonnaise, it can be used for soooooo many things.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Imagine a home without mayo! <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Tuna just wouldn’t <a href="http://www.blogger.com/null" name="_GoBack"></a>hold the same fascination as it does with good mayonnaise, some onions, and green olives [six jars at last count].<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span></span><span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Now why can’t I get this damned TV to turn on?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Oh shit.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br />D.Kleinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03828095496569335217noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7331044713672791757.post-81776844195543794862012-11-25T12:40:00.000-05:002012-11-25T12:40:59.878-05:00 Getting Picky About Aging <div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">I used to perch on my brother’s back when I was small enough to perch on another human being without their need for a chiropractor. I had a bottle of rubbing alcohol and box of Kleenex always within reach.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They were my surgical tools.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I took the process seriously.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">My brother would ask me to “get them.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This meant he needed the zits on his back squeezed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He is eight years older than me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So I was probably seven at the time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He was…oh shit, I <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">hate</i> math.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Let’s see.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If seven and seven is fourteen, then seven and one <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">more</i> must be …FIFTEEN!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He was fifteen.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">I suppose this is how we bonded.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I think I kind of liked when he screamed in pain as I applied the alcohol liberally to a freshly squeezed zit. He writhed around furiously, but I never fell off.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I suppose this was as much fun as a strange kid like me could have, unless you counted sitting on the dog house in the back yard for <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">hours</i>.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">I also enjoyed clipping my Dad’s fingernails.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He’d swing his arm over the front seat of the car so I could work on his nails. He liked it when I pushed the cuticles back and clipped them ACROSS, not <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">curved.</i> I couldn’t work on his left hand until we”d set up camp for the night, after a couple rounds of Jarts, which were pointy–assed metal spears with huge plastic “feathers” on them like arrows on steroids. You tossed the suckers in the air and tried to stick them in plastic circles that lay flat on the ground … a medieval twist on horseshoes. The fact that I have two eyes and all my toes is a miracle. That’s all I’m going to say on the subject.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">We’d barrel down the turnpike, pre- Nader seatbelts, pre fifty-five- miles- an -hour speed limits, hauling a Banner trailer, while I, a morose seven-year-old, snipped away with a Swiss Army clipper on my Dad’s nails.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">This is the SAME Dad who argued bitterly with my daughter when he’d take her out to practice driving on the highways around my parents’ house.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Keep BOTH hands on the wheel at ten and two!”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He’d yell when she casually handled the steering wheel with both hands at the bottom.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Ten and TWO!”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Stop YELLING Pop-Pop!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I know what I’m doing!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>JEEZUS.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Chill OUT!”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“If you don’t want to hold the wheel at TEN and TWO, then <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">pull over</i>!”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">She pulled over and the two of them wouldn’t speak for the rest of the evening.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Fucking Leos.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">So it was “Mister TEN and TWO”, who hauled our asses down the highway, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">with a trailer,</i> with one arm over the front seat so his psycho daughter could snip away. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> T</span></span><span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">his brings me to the purpose of this story.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My deterioration.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">I liken my deterioration to the monitoring, and subsequent “getting” of those zits and fingernails of my youth.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Zits and aging, an interesting dichotomy of disgusting and mesmerizing. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">I cannot believe what’s transpired with this thing that my twenty-year old self lives in.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s appalling, yet extremely interesting, in so many ways.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p> </o:p></span><span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">For example, when I look at myself in the mirror every morning I could absolutely swear that my neck has moved further forward from where it used to be.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The skin below my jaw, what is commonly known as “the neck area,” has become more and more like the shirred fabric on a bad prom dress. From the side, the skin from my chin goes straight down to the clavicle area, very similar to the pouch on a pelican. (Do pelicans have clavicles?)<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I use a magic cream than <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">seems</i> to tighten the jaw-line a little until about noon.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I try not to allow <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">anyone</i> to see me from the side. This is not an easy thing to accomplish.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s exhausting.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There was this guy? Who took my picture from the side? <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And posted it on Facebook? <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They’ve never found his body.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Ugly doesn’t mean <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">stupid</i>, ladies and gentlemen.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">My legs are the approximate color of wallpaper paste.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Purple spider veins encircle my ankles. They look like a bad tattoo rendering of bare trees in the winter.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’d SWEAR there is a new branch every day.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Some of the “branches” end in purple splotches, as if the ink got clogged, then suddenly spit out a glob.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My spider veins strive to become varicose.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I know, because they whisper at night and tell me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They scare the cat.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But I still find them terrifyingly interesting.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Like watching a boil develop, or an ingrown toenail move deeper.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">There is an actual bulge midway up the back of my left leg, like the gnarl of a tree. What the fuck?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">My arms are another source of introspection and alarm. In high school I was voted <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">the person with</i> <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">the</i> <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">most beautiful arms and back</i>. Or at least I imagined I was.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The facts don’t matter.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">I found a really cool cotton shift dress in San Francisco.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was in a store that sold clothes from Tibet. It has ruffles around the scoop-neck.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I tried it on, seeing the gamin I used to be in my imagination, because the mirror was too high for me to get a full-body shot.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I believed it would be really sweet with tights and black, patent leather Mary Janes or Swedish clogs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When I came out of the dressing room, my daughter, ever the diplomat, said, “Mommy, why don’t you try the two-toned grey dress <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">without </i>the ruffle around the neck?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p> </o:p></span><span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">But I liked the ruffle so I bought it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When I put it on at home and examined myself with the discerning eye of a zit-picker, I realized I looked like a big tranny in the thing. My meaty arms burst forth from arm-holes that are encircled by ridiculous ruffles. What was I thinking?</span><b><span style="color: #444444; font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">I’m not going to mention my breasts, except to say that they grow longer each day.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I plan to wrap them around what’s left of my neck to keep me warm this winter. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">My stomach is far more interesting than all the other parts combined. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">I tried on clothes in the Last Chance Thrift Store last week, I got a really good look at the entity that is planning to separate from my body and take over the world after feeding for a couple more months on its host … me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Such pastiness and ripples I haven’t seen since Ghostbusters.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t need to tell you which character I’m referring to.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There I stood, in that musty place, staring into a chipped mirror. I picked up the entity that bulged forth, then dropped it. I did that several times to test the gravity of the situation. I could actually drape it over my forearm like a small blanket…or a cat.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Where did it come from? I wondered if I could sell it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Could it be varnished and used as an end table? <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">I snapped out of it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There wasn’t much air in that little fitting room, and the mold of old things was making me hallucinate.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I stuffed the thing back into my jeans.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was too much to process in one afternoon.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">This happens on a daily basis.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I look at the things on my body and wonder…where the FUCK did THIS come from?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And zits?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I still get <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">those</i> too!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As if aging isn’t <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">enough</i> of a bizarre experiment in cells and molecular rearrangement.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I find zits smack in the middle of my back where my meaty arms can’t reach them, and once, on the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">back</i> of my upper thigh!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Who gets a zit there???<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">I don’t have time right now to mesmerize you with the paper-thin quality of my skin and the fact that it occasionally decides to bleed in the oddest places, merely because I’ve leaned against something.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">But I find that my body has become like a science experiment over which I have no control. There’s a mean, cosmic nerd in a lab down the hallway of my life, just past the ladies room, who mixes sinister concoctions in Petrie dishes and applies them to my body as I sleep.</span><span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;">I wish someone could perch on my body and get rid of these things with a box of Kleenex and a bottle of rubbing alcohol.</span>D.Kleinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03828095496569335217noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7331044713672791757.post-55523843048764107302012-09-27T20:29:00.000-04:002012-09-29T19:47:51.790-04:00Hope for $49.95<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Andalus; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Dr. Oz is making me fat and poor.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Andalus; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Not that I wasn’t already.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But the bucks I’ve invested in diets could have bought some decent food at the grocery store. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Still, I enjoy macaroni. It’s cheap and easy to make. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Andalus; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">I believe I’ve tried all of Mehmet’s sure-things.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Andalus; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">I <em>deserve</em> to be on a first-name basis with him since I probably helped him buy the front bumper of his Ferrari. The network for my morning news plays the teasers for his show when I’m examining my stomach in the mirror before my shower.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Andalus; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Tune in to Dr. Oz and hear about the three foods that will guarantee you to lose <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">nine</i> <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">pounds</i> a week!”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Andalus; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">The first teaser I ever heard, at least a year ago, mentioned saffron.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As soon as I got home from work I Googled Oz/Saffron and there he was with his miracle pill.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was a specially formulated saffron extract.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>All I had to do was take one before each meal with LOTS of water.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was $49.95 a bottle.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was beside myself with excitement.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had a small bag of chips to celebrate.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As soon as the box came, I ripped it open and downed TWO to get a head-start.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I looked in the mirror to see if it was working yet.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I laughed at my silliness.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Of course it’s not working!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It will be at least a few days!</i> <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Andalus; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">By the end of the week I had bloated like a toad and couldn’t stop belching.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I think my skin had turned yellow, but it’s hard to tell because it’s kinda my natural shade.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Plus, I had a Donovan brain worm in my head every time I took one of the damned things. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: Andalus; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">I’m just mad about Saffron,<br />Saffron's mad about me..<br />I'm just mad about Saffron,<br />she's just <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">mad</i> about me<br />{Refrain}<br />They call me mellow yellow<br />(Quite rightly)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: Andalus; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman';"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>After two weeks of waddling around like a pregnant woman I was no longer mellow.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">pissed</i>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was NEVER going to buy his damned pills again. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: Andalus; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman';"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><span style="color: black; font-family: Andalus; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">But by then I was in the Oz demographic.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Every time I logged on I’d receive ads for the NEXT Dr. Oz diet that was making a hit in Hollywood. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Then</i> I’d hear the ads on TV.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There he was, telling his audience about a supplement that would literally EXPLODE the fat cells in the body.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Everyone WOULD lose weight, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">guaranteed</i>. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: Andalus; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman';"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As soon as I got home I watched the show Online. My man Mehmet asked a tearful woman if she was ready to change her life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There was a HUGE photo of the poor lady in her underwear and a sports bra.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I cringed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He then demonstrated to the audience how Raspberry Keytones literally <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">disintegrate</i> fat.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He used balloons filled with water that were frozen and lined up in a box. He poured some kind of stuff over them that made them totally burst and melt away.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had to admit it was a cool demonstration. It was certainly better than the time he had <em>actual human fat,</em> freshly suctioned from someone, in a big glass jar… <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: Andalus; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">I ordered a box of Raspberry Keytone supplements for $49.95.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A woman called right after I ordered them (big brother is watching) to tell me that if I threw in another ten bucks she’d send me TWO bottles.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I pictured all my fat exploding and my stomach shrinking away to nothing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had a small bag of chips to celebrate.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: Andalus; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">When the box with the two bottles of the stuff arrived, I ripped it open and took three pills to get kick-started for the week.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I pictured them coursing their way down my esophagus in a rush of water to land in pillows of yellow fat.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I could SEE the fat exploding and melting away.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: Andalus; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">In two days I was bloated like a toad and couldn’t move without farting.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Oh, those fat cells <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">exploded </i>alright. Still, I was determined to take the whole bottle.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I gained six pounds.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I cursed Dr. Mehmet Oz, and whenever I heard the morning teasers for his show I rushed from the bathroom and whipped him the bird with both hands.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: Andalus; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">A few months later my stomach reminded me of a medicine ball.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I could actually lift it up and drop it as if it were a separate entity.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I looked at a picture of myself at forty. In it I’m smiling with my daughter in Atlanta.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I weighed 127 pounds.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had just had my belly-button pierced in Little Five Points, a cool area of shops, tattoo parlors, and bars. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: Andalus; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman';"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I could no longer see my naval ring because my stomach had eaten it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: Andalus; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">As I wrote a story one evening, a new ad caught my attention.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Dr. Oz had a supplement that was touted all over the world.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not only did it make you lose weight, but it extended your life!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">His</i> formula was the purest and best.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: Andalus; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">“You bastard!”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I yelled as I placed my order.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I received my green coffee bean extract for $49.95 a couple days later.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I ate some chips and ripped open the box.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The minimum balance on my Visa card had doubled.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: Andalus; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman';"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: Andalus; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">I’ve been taking them faithfully for two weeks now.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My stomach is a balloon.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I believe if you attached a basket to my feet I might be able to carry people through the sky over open farmland. But I <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">will</i> take them.</span><br />
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<span style="color: black; font-family: Andalus; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">I think this means that I’m a hopeful person… or unbelievably <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">stupid</i>.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: Andalus; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">I still rush to the TV every morning and whip the bird at his smiling, skinny face.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He’s smiling because I’ve now funded the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">back</i> bumper of his Ferrari.</span><span style="color: black; font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif'; font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman';"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
D.Kleinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03828095496569335217noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7331044713672791757.post-71341745017912336942012-09-12T21:41:00.002-04:002012-09-12T21:43:47.755-04:00Hollywood in my Hood<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Saturday, August 25,2012…the stars fell out of the sky and landed on 12<sup>th</sup> and 3<sup>rd</sup>.<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">I look forward to Saturdays.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I sleep until noon.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Nothing much inspires me to change my much-needed morning of sloth and slumber. This Saturday was no exception.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">I had to pee, so I got up, stretched, and took a look outside.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Alan Cumming was walking past my bedroom window wearing skin-tight gold lame pants, a pink sequined tank-top, a floor-length, split- sided Kimono in orange, yellow, and red.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He had on gold pointy-toed shoes and a wide red plastic bracelet.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>His gray hair was teased up high and held back by a pink headband with a pin of some sort to adorn the front.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A man with a Madonna–type microphone around his neck was keeping step alongside, holding an umbrella to protect him from the sun.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">I closed the curtain and vowed never to take more than one Xanax before bedtime ever again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">The phone rang.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was Ginny.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">“This is Hollywood.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We’re ready for your close-up!”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">It was real.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I looked out the window again and noticed the RVs parked along the road.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A Penske van was carefully turning the corner on our little street as a bright red golf cart careened around it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The golf cart had <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Elizabeth</i> emblazoned in pink across the side.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The men in it also wore microphones. They had cellphones plastered to their ears. The guy driving looked like a prospector from the gold rush. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He had a long, gray beard and wore bright red suspenders to hold up his baggy, well-worn jeans.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">I realized Ginny was still on the phone. “I WAS going to sleep some more, but this probably takes precedence. I’ll brush my teeth and be over in a minute.” The application of spackle and fill, which is what I fondly call my make-up, takes at least a half hour.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But that’s beside the point.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">Lester, my cat, stretched and looked at me with eyes half closed. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">You go on ahead. I’ll stay here and hold your spot.</i>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He yawned and went back to sleep.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Damn him.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">I’m used to my wonderfully odd and eclectic neighborhood with the unusual Todd and Kiaralinda houses. We’re like a cool Knot’s Landing without the drama.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Oh, we have drama I guess, but it usually involves musicians and artists doing crazy or wonderful things, like trapeze artists hanging from trees…<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">that </i>kind of drama. There are several whimsically painted houses on our little non-deed restricted, non-gated street.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Five of them are K. and T. houses and one is Heather’s house. I live in a K. and T.model. We’re square-peg individuals who don’t fit in round holes. The neighborhood mirrors the inhabitants. The house where the Indie film was being shot is one of their homes. They named it Casa Loco.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Whimzey is their main house, across the street.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Holly and Ginny were the official hosts for the crew because they were out of town…but only a hundred cell-phone calls away. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">What does one wear to mingle with movie-stars?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I chose my best pair of cut-off jeans, the ones with the hole in the crotch, and my Gotham Comedy Club t-shirt.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I tied a pouch around my waist to carry a camera and a pen.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I remembered a picture my daughter sent me, back when she lived in New York, of her sitting on Alan Cumming’s lap. He was dressed as Santa in a skin-tight velvet jumpsuit.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was at Cynthia Rowley’s Christmas party.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Kristin bribed her way in with Magnolia bakery cupcakes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Apparently, even skinny, gorgeous celebrities can’t resist eating a good cupcake before they throw them up. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I put it in my pouch. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I wondered if I had time to make cupcakes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Naaaaa.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">I walked across the street into the middle of controlled chaos.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Cute guys were sailing by on skateboards, and people were schlepping all kinds of stuff from trucks to the house. Two big RVs were parked in front of Casa Loco. It’s a colorful Mexico-inspired feast for the eyes. Bright ceramic ashtrays adorn the outside, as well as colorful mosaic tiles. There’s a giant crescent-moon under construction on the lawn, and copper Bundt pans line beamed the ceiling inside.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It didn’t surprise me that this home had been added to a folder of possible movie locations by a scout in the area. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">“That’s Annie Potts over there by the Y-2k Bug.” (<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Volkswagen art-car created for the millennium.)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">Ginny had walked up to me as I stood there staring like an idiot.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I looked to where she was pointing, but there was only a short woman wearing baggy beige cargo shorts, a plaid shirt with the sleeves hacked off, white socks, and plastic sandals.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">“Where?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">“That’s her in the plaid shirt … with the short hair.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">“She has a spider tattoo around her neck and a tattoo on her arm that says LIZ?” I asked.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">“Yep.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She plays a lesbian married to a gay cross-dresser.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They’re <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>the aunt and uncle of the main character. He’s a boy that leaves home and pitches a tent in their yard. They live in Pennsylvania.” She explained as a huge lizard ran across the street in front of us.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“It’s kind of a coming-of-age type of a movie.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">“Of course.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I said, as if it made perfect sense.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">We stood and watched as people rushed around, and I noticed our friend Heather lifting and hauling equipment.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A moment later she was digging a patch of ground with the crew. This was to be the spot where the tent <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">used</i> to be.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Heather owns the little house next to Casa. She refurbished it herself, so she’s not adverse to working up a sweat and getting dirty.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What really pisses me off is that she still looks GOOD, even when she’s a mess.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’d been standing in one place for less than ten minutes and had sweated all my makeup off <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">already. </i>I could <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">smell</i> myself. My wrinkles, age spots, and giant pores were completely visible from ten feet away. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Heather doesn’t wear make-up.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She doesn’t HAVE to.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">“You a comedian?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">I turned to look at a guy with a microphone around his neck.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He was a little taller than me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We had matching guts.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He wore a brown t-shirt over his shorts.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He had white hair and blue eyes.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">“I seen your shirt.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Do you live in New York?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">“No.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But I used to visit frequently. My sister and I went to this comedy club when we were there.” I <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>pulled the shirt away from my chest and looked down at it as if he needed to see it again, unencumbered by the physical stuff.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“My name is Debbie. Welcome to the hood.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I shook his hand.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We both had sweaty hands.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">“P.J., I’m from New York. I usta work at the stock exchange until I quit drinkin. That’s when it occurred to me I was workin my butt off five days and hangin only two.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So I quit my job and became a bookie so’s I could hang for <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">five</i> days and only work <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">two</i>.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was a good intro. I was pretty sure he’d used it before. Stick with what works.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">I liked P.J. right away. It seemed that everyone else around us did too.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We had a nice chat in between his conversations with various people via his microphone.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He was one of the many producers I would meet during the day. I guess there’s a producer for everything.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Who knew?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">“See that guy over there?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That’s Grant Gardner.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That guy’s hysterical, I’m tellin’ ya.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He is <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">something</i> <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">else. </i>He’s the art director on the film.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He’s worked on all kinds of shit, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">funny as hell guy</i>… HEY GRANT!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Come over here!”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">A tall guy ambled down the sidewalk toward us wearing a wide-brimmed straw hat, aviator sunglasses, a sleeveless green t-shirt that said <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Spanish Trails Girl Scout Council Troop Leader, </i>khaki pants cut-off just below the knees, red suspenders, a tool belt, and cowboy boots. I made a mental note to try a similar ensemble someday. P.J. was right.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The guy was funny.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">P.J. did his producer thing and in-between wrangling people he’d come back to tell us interesting tid-bits of information. He explained that a “Grip” is a person who handles the equipment, and a “Gaffer” is an electrician.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He introduced us to everyone.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Toby, the production organizer, shared his blood orange and lemon ice-cold Pellegrinos with us. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Holly and I talked to Carrie Sheldon, the head sound technician, responsible for all the sound, and probably the communications on the set. She was curly-haired and already had sunburnt cheeks. She told us that it was unheard of for a woman to be a sound tech, much less a <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">head s</i>ound tech back in the day.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She explained that the woman who opened the door for that opportunity was Peggy Names.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Names finally broke through the “boys club” and scored the head sound technician job for <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">The Graduate</i>. Lord only knows what she went through to land that job. It was the first time a woman worked in that capacity on a major motion picture. It ain’t<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>no easy job.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If the sound isn’t perfect, the movie won’t be good.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">Carrie originally lived in <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Eugene, Oregon and told us that our neighborhood made her homesick because, “there’s <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>crazy houses there too.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Now she lives in LA with her dog Nibbles, whose ears I scratched while she talked.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It took her years to accumulate her equipment.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was pretty impressive stuff.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">Holly and I settled in the shade on the sidewalk.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>P.J. came to check on us from time to time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Interns from the local college stood at each end of the street instructing cars to go a different way.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They were told to tell people that they were making a Mayonnaise commercial. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">Alan came out of his trailer in the outfit that had paraded past my window earlier.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He was carrying his own umbrella this time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Then Annie came out of her trailer.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Quiet on the set!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Final touches!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Pictures up!”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">And they really do yell ACTION and slap an arm down on a little thing that has the movie’s name on it!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">We watched as Annie pretended to garden on the other side of the Y-2k Bug, a Volkswagen Kiaralinda and Todd had totally encrusted with CDs, computer parts, and mosaic pieces for the Millennium.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The set designer had planted marigolds in the front of it under the hood.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Alan, on a pair of crutches, greeted a tall Asian kid who had run up to him. The boy wore a graduation gown. They had dialogue. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Annie popped up from the other side of the bug, walked over to Alan and the boy … more dialogue.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">We watched them shoot this at <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">least <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></i>ten times. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Make-up was fixed. Sound was adjusted. Light meters were held above everyone.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Planes flew overhead. (We live in a flight pattern.) The guy next door had his TV turned up loud. The ice-cream truck trundled past playing <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">She’ll be Coming Round the Mountain</i>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">Gavin Kelly is the director.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The tentative title of the movie is Chu (pronounced <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">shoe</i>) and Blossom. It was written by two young men, Charles Chu and Ryan O’Nan, who are also stars in the film. Google these guys.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I suspect they’ll be the next Affleck and Damon. This is an independent film [read, shot on low budget, lots of chips, cheese puffs, and bottled water] that’s slated to be released at the next Sundance Film Festival, then hopefully go on to theaters.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Gavin’s parents joined us in the shade.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I understand parental pride so I was able to get some good information about their son.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Apparently, Gavin was the director of photography for an Oscar winning film called The West Bank that played at the Sundance film festival in 2005. He just recently finished shooting a film called LUV with Danny Glover, that his father added, “Is a little dark.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It began to sprinkle.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was already late in the afternoon and I wasn’t the least bit bored.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My man P.J. came back.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">“You gotta show that picture of your daughter to Al.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He’ll love it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ll make sure you meet him sometime today.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He winked at me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>An intern came up to him to ask a question.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Someone yelled from across the street. He waved them off.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">“How did you become a producer?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I mean, do you have to go somewhere and learn stuff?” I asked.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">“Sure ya do.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But I also started messin around with different things.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You should check out indieflix.com and watch a movie called <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">The Immaculate Misconception</i>. That’s one I wrote.” ( I Googled it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>P.J.’s last name is Leonard.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He was being modest.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He’s done a <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">lot </i>of shit.)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">The rain came.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The actors and crew had their lunch served on the Gazebo in Kiaralinda’s back yard by Craft’s catering. The Gazebo is behind Whimzey, the main house across the street from the location. Apparently Annie and Alan were blown away when they first arrived and had a tour of the place.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Alan finished lunch and got up to go back to his trailer.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">I had cold feet.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I always get that way around celebrities.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But only celebrities I <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">like</i>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m afraid to talk to them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I act goofy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So it was all I could do to walk up to Alan Cumming and ask him to look at my picture. He looked a little irritated at first.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>God, he’s got gorgeous skin, and the most wonderful Scottish brogue…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">I showed him the picture of Kristin <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>sitting on his lap.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">“Where was this?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How long ago?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">“This was a few years ago.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You were Santa at a Cynthia Rowley party.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Kristin was afraid she’d crush you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I saw you in Cabaret on Broadway with Natasha Richardson.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I loved it.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I think my eye started to twitch.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">He concentrated on the picture.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">“What is she doing now?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">“Who?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">“Your <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">daughter</i>.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">“<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Oh</i>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>she has a boutique in San Francisco.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She’s also a road manager for punk bands.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She travels all over the world.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">“Well, she’s quite a diverse young woman, isn’t she?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Please give her my best.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My life was complete.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">Bobby Blish walked up with his many expensive cameras around his neck. He was the official photographer for the film…I think. He actually lives in the area but is a reporter for the New York Post.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He also does voice overs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That made sense to me because he has a great voice.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">“Take a picture of us.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>P.J. said as he put his arm around me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So Bobby took a picture.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ll probably never see it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s probably for the best. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">P.J. contrived a way for me to meet Annie Potts.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She was inside Casa Loco with some of the crew and needed ice for her drink.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Anyone could have gotten her ice.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There were ice in tubs all over the place.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But P.J. brought me in to Casa.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">“This is Debbie.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She lives here.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She can get you ice.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">I nodded and ran toward the fridge muttering <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">that’s Annie Potts</i> under my breath like the Rain Man. I don’t know what I was thinking.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Of course there’s no ice in the fridge <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">there</i> because people don’t STAY there.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So I went back over to her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She wore adorable purple glasses.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She looked at me funny.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">“There isn’t any ice here.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Genius.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">“I know. If you could just find two or three cubes to put in my drink, that would be great.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She said looking terribly vulnerable.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“You can take my drink with you.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She handed it to me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>God, she was a trusting soul… I mean, I could be a crazy person and spit in her cup for crissake.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">I ran out of Casa with her cup.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t think I said anything. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I walked across the street to Whimzey where Holly and Ginny were enjoying the AC for a while.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I opened the freezer.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There was no ice. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">“Watcha need?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Holly asked.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">“Ice…I need ice for Annie Potts!” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">I dashed out the door, around the house, and picked my way over bowling balls with the precious cup in hand.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I headed to my house on the other corner.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">She’s going to wonder where</i> <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">the hell I went</i>, I thought, as I ran up my driveway.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I burst past Lester who always waits by the door to sneak out because he’s an asshole, flung open the freezer, and a horrible smell of garlic hit me in the face.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>NOOOOOOOOO!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I knew my <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">fridge</i> smelled of garlic, but NOT THE FREEZER!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was at that moment I had to make a decision.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Go back empty-handed, or hope she had a terrible sense of smell.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I put three cubes in the cup and took the tray with me for the freezer at Casa, just in case she <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">did </i><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>have a terrible sense of smell and needed more ice later.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">Half out of breath, (I really need to start working out), I handed her the drink.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I didn’t want to stick around long enough to see her reaction, so, after sliding the tray into the freezer, I ran out.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I heard her calling <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">thank you .</i>.. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">Later, Carrie hooked us up with professional head-gear like I’d seen people wearing all day.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She clipped little power packs to our waist bands.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Now we could HEAR the actors who were filming INSIDE Casa Loco, as well as <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">watch</i> them on the monitors. How cool is that?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Carrie’s whole sound booth, including all of her equipment, had been moved to the lawn just outside the house.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I scratched Nibbles ears and took a seat next to Carrie.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I listened to Alan, Annie, Charles, and Ryan practice a scene from the movie.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They did several takes. It was a very funny scene.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In between, I listened to their conversation.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They talked about who’s in rehab and who’s not, stuff like that. Great stuff. (No, I didn’t get names. And I wouldn’t tell if I DID.)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">P.J. asked if I had an I-Pad because he wanted to show Alan a video. The actors were on break.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I got it for him and stood outside the RV while he handed it the actor. He promised to take a picture of us after Alan watched the video.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Suddenly, a swarm of interns burst in and blatantly asked if they could take his picture.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He agreed, and then excused himself for another shoot.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">“Great P.J.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I stand here with my thumb up my ass while you bullshit about some video.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">“But I wanted him to see my friend, Martha Wash.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She’s the one that sang that song, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">It’s Raining Men</i>. You know that one, right? <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She’s got some great new stuff out now.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">“Jeezus, do you know <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">everybody</i>?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I asked, because he <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">had</i> dropped a few names during the course of the day.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But even though he could bullshit better than anyone I’d ever met, I suspected he really DID know everyone.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That’s the kind of guy he is. But I still didn’t get my picture.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">“I’m sorry, I’ll get you your picture before the night’s over.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I promise.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">“Hollywood men are all the same. You make promises, then dump us when you get what you want from us,<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>like yesterday’s news.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">He eventually made good on his promise and practically dragged me back to the trailer just as Alan was about to shut the door.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There he was, in all his splendor, wearing a pink chenille robe with large poodle appliques on it, big curlers in his hair, and a green herbal mask on his face.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">“HEY </span><span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">AL</span><span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">!!!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She’s been waiting to get a picture. You gotta minute?” <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was mortified.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">Alan Cumming had <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">just</i> a minute at eleven o’clock at night.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But it only took him a few seconds to grab my camera, adjust the settings, hold it up and take a picture of the two of us. He checked the picture, readjusted the settings, held it up, and took another one, perfectly framed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Obviously he’d done that many times.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">I gave P.J. a big hug. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">It had been quite a day in the hollyhood.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">Footnote:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They filmed all over the bay area, including a scene on a football field<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>where Ryan had to run naked with big slabs of ribs draped over him as a pack of dogs chased him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They had to do several takes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The meat actually started to cook in the heat and separate from the bone so wardrobe had to stitch the bones together.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They were set to wrap production on September fourth. Watch for it in the spring.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
D.Kleinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03828095496569335217noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7331044713672791757.post-19480447658551898382012-09-01T18:08:00.002-04:002012-09-01T18:08:48.715-04:00The Funniest Thing I've Ever Heard<script src="<a href="http://audio.thisamericanlife.org/widget/widget.min.js">http://audio.thisamericanlife.org/widget/widget.min.js</a>" type="text/javascript"></script><br /><div id="this-american-life-361" class="this-american-life" style="width:540px;"></div>D.Kleinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03828095496569335217noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7331044713672791757.post-50053966879830328622012-08-26T19:01:00.000-04:002012-08-26T19:01:13.840-04:00A Proposal<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">Office lingo has crept into The Real Housewives of New Jersey.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">Theresa, easily the craziest of the bunch, actually said something to the effect of, “But I <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">did</i> reach out to my brother. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I texted him !”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">She <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">reached out</i> <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>to him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She didn’t contact or call ( pronounced “cawl” in NJ ) him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">reached out </i>to him. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I thought once I was in the confines of my home the lingo would remain behind to languish in the vapors of the office.<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">The expression seemed awfully “New Agey” for a person who wears thousand dollar shoes, dead animal skins, and flips tables while yelling “Prostitution WHORE! (Pronounced HO-WAH in NJ.)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">It amuses me when new lingo is introduced in the work place and suddenly everyone around me is using it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you want to sound as good as a Manager or the “<em>Os</em>,” (CEO, CFO, COO, UFO) you use the snappy vocabulary.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You sneak it in to your conversations so they think you’re a <em>team</em> <em>player </em>and you actually know what you’re doing.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">Here are some words and phrases that are currently hot in the workplace; <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">Reach Out</span></i><span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">- To talk to, to call, to discuss, to inform, to get together with someone and ask for a meeting, to get together with someone and tell them they’ve screwed up...<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">Push Back</span></i><span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">- To stand your ground about something, to not back down on an issue, to respond. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">To model or modeling</span></i><span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">- To create a process or a contract, a blueprint or a template. (It has nothing to do with six inch stilettos on a slippery catwalk.)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">To trend</span></i><span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">- To keep track of a bunch of silly-assed mistakes someone is making.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">Challenges</span></i><span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">- Problems.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Never say something is a <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">problem</i>, or you HATE an account because it’s difficult. You say it’s a CHALLENGE.)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">Granular- </span></i><span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">The smallest level of something. (This one was a new one on me. Granular, really? )<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">Drill down</span></i><span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">-To get to the root of the problem …excuse me, to get to the root of a CHALLENGE.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';"><em>To be proactive</em>-To go ahead and do your damned job without someone reminding you a million times.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">Then there’s a phrase that’s been around for longer than I can stand and I wish it would GO AWAY;<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">“W<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">ith that being said</i>.”-<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You tack this on to an explanation to punctuate, recap, or totally invalidate what you’ve just said, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">or</i> <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>to drop a bomb on someone.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">With that being said</i>, I’m afraid we’re going to have to let you go.” You can also <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">still</i> use, “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">At the end of the day</i>.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">At the end of the day</i> <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>the company will need to institute some <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">redactions</i>, and your department will be among them.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">I propose a new workplace lingo to make life in cubicles more entertaining, more <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">colorful</i> for people. I’m going to start using these new phrases in my daily conversations. So, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">with</i> <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">that being said</i>, let me <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">bounce a couple ideas off of you</i>. (That expression is sooooo eighties!)</span><span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';"><o:p> </o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">For instance, when I’m called in to my manager’s office, I might say, “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">A penny for your thoughts</i>!” this means, “What do you want?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">I already like to use the expression, “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Like herding cats</i>,” and I frequently use it when someone asks how it’s going with the unworked accounts.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">I think “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Come what may”</i> is a pleasant little expression.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For example,<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">“When are you going to finish that project I gave you last week?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">“<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Come what may </i>!”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>See how sweet and pleasant that sounds?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">What about when you have a better idea for how to do something and your manager tells you that it would create too many <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">challenges</i>. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She thinks we may have to <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">reach out</i> <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>to someone else and get their input?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I might want to <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">push back </i>and say, “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Whoa there! Let’s not throw the baby out with the bath water </i>! We should <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">chew the fat</i> a little more.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">I think we should say, “Let’s make<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> a</i> <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">bee line</i> for the meeting in Classroom A.” <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Instead of, “There’s going to be a meeting in classroom A right now.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yes? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">When the office is way too crowded or there’s a lot of work to do we could say, “It’s all so <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Choc a Block</i>!”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Let’s also bring back “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">the blind leading the blind</i>.” I like that one, (<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">and</i> it’s so apropos in SO many situations.) “If they make Ralph the new Team Lead in billing it will be like <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">the blind leading the blind</i>.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>More fun …right?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">Why can’t we just say “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">He bit the dust,”</i> instead of down-sized or laid-off? <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Or how about, “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">He bit the bullet</i>?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">I think that when we’ve tried to get money from an insurance company for more than a year, we should call it a “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Cut and Run” </i>account.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The manager says, “You need to follow-up on that old account with Blue Cross.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It would be an acceptable reply to say, “I think this is definitely a <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">cut and run</i> situation if you want MY <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">two cents</i>.” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';">I don’t want to play <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">fast and loose</i> with corporate America, but I believe that words, when strategically placed, can be very handy tools to get a point across.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Meetings would be far less boring than they currently are with all the stupid “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">reach outs”</i> and “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">that being saids”</i> that are currently used over and over.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Footlight MT Light','serif';"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Bottom line, why beat a dead horse? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
D.Kleinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03828095496569335217noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7331044713672791757.post-48822888915367795372012-08-26T18:39:00.000-04:002012-08-26T18:39:27.580-04:00Ticks<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">The short, round one</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"></span><span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">has to fondle my blouses, rubbing <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">fabric between thumb and forefinger<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">while exclaiming how beautiful they are.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">What a great color</span></i><span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">I could never wear such a thing</span></i><span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Hello is not enough.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">I thank her and sigh.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Another one sneezes<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">like a chuffing lion and<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">I wonder if lions can sneeze<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">while they chuff? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">There is a woman who bursts<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">into spontaneous vibrato humming<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">for no apparent reason.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">She favors the opening notes to<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Strangers in the Night</span></i><span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">I catch myself in a loud, heavy<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">sigh.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I wonder how often<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">I do it and if<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">someone keeps track.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Are there tick marks on the<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">cubicle wall next to me where<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">the<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>girl who always<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>says<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">I know, right</span></i><span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">I know, right</span></i><span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">I know, right</span></i><span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">keeps a running account</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">of my exhales?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</span>D.Kleinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03828095496569335217noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7331044713672791757.post-47370997982162019412012-08-04T16:20:00.000-04:002012-08-26T18:41:41.298-04:00Gassed<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif';"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif';"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I didn’t know the moth balls would kill me but they did.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif';">They killed Lester too.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Apparently he died in the position he’s usually in, licking where his balls used to be.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They found me clutching a black, felt-tipped, expensive pen designed especially for acid-free paper and archival documents in one hand, and a glass of wine in the other.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was slumped over a table piled high with photo albums, stickers, and folders.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif';">I’d been immersed in a scrapbook-making project for my daughter’s thirtieth birthday.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I saved <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">everything</i> over the years, from the stump of cord that fell off of her belly button when she was a baby, to her parking tickets from Philadelphia.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I saved every certificate she ever earned, even the one for being the most annoying person at camp.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif';">I’d packed everything carefully in Rubbermaid tubs. I thought it would be a good idea to throw mildew discs and packets of mothball crystals in with the stuff.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I didn’t want anything to deteriorate in the heat.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif';">I’d dragged all the boxes into the house from the utility room and pulled the lids off, thus releasing a toxic gas that immediately made my eyes burn and throat constrict. I figured it was an asthma attack.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I used my inhaler, cranked the air, and poured a glass of wine.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif';">I pulled stuff out of every box and spread it around the house so I could visualize what I had for the books. There was a <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">shitload</i> of stuff.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I couldn’t see very well, so I splashed some water in my eyes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I sat and read some of a baby journal that I didn’t remember writing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I poured another glass of wine and hit my inhaler again. On April 27, 1983 I wrote;<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif';">The air is thick with tension when your Dad and I are together. It’s like a room filled with gas.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It only takes a small spark and we explode. <o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif';">Jesus!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Why would I write that to her?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I began to feel a little light-headed so I put my head down to rest. How’s that for irony? The last thing I read was a bad metaphor about gas.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif';">What a bitch!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I died before I could finish the scrapbooks and I had at <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">least </i>three weeks of ironing piled up around me. The damned overtime at work didn’t leave me time to do anything at home.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How the hell would I finish the project <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">now</i>?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif';">The mortifying part was the mess. The guy found me in the middle of it all. The dust had become an inch thick on everything.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The entire house was stacked high in newspapers, journals, photographs, and old magazines. The dead cat sealed the deal. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Headlines read<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Elderly Safety Harbor Woman Found in Piles</i> of <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Debris-Also a Dead Cat</i>. I was labeled a hoarder!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My family was shocked. My sister felt terrible because she used to kid me about vacuuming too much.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif';">My friends discussed my demise at lunch.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I hovered overhead and listened.</span><span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif';"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif';"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif';"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif';">“I thought she was <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">obsessive compulsive</i>? <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She took pills for it! <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I mean, didn’t she always polish her desk with Windex?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif';">“Apparently her meds didn’t work as well as they were <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">supposed</i> to. [Snorts of laughter all around] The guy found her in a mountain of paper, surrounded by piles of clothes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>AND, there <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">was</i> the dead cat.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That’s so typical of a hoarder.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif';"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“There are all kinds of obsessions.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It doesn’t necessarily have to do with cleaning.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Maybe her obsession was saving things.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I guess we’ll never know ...such a shame.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She was <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">sorta</i> young.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif';">I wondered if I could spit on their heads.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Can dead people spit?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I tried.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No one flinched. So I guess the answer is no, dead people can’t spit. My friends continued to trash-talk me, excuse the pun.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif';">“Why do hoarders have dead cats?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I just can’t get over that the place was such a mess. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ve <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">been</i> there.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It always seemed pretty clean to me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I mean, she had weird things, don’t get me wrong, but at least it was <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">tidy</i>. Are you going to finish your chips?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif';"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Help yourself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I heard they found her holding a glass of wine.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif';">“Shit, we KNEW she was a drunk…but a HOARDER?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>[More snorts]<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Bitches!<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>***********</span></i><span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif'; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif';">I have to hang around for a while in this celestial station while I wait for my assigned bus. It’s really cool.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s all decorated in shades of white, kinda like the Delano hotel in Miami. Unfortunately, the magazines are older than the ones at my doctor’s office, 1955 <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Vogues </i>for crissake<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">.</i><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Thinking about my demise seems like a better way to kill time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Again, no pun intended.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif';">HEY!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t have to WORK anymore!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Still, I hate to leave everyone with that mess.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I hope Kristin finds my Jimmy Carter peanut roach clip. I hope Lester isn’t mad at me for being stupid.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He was already miffed that I switched to a cheaper brand of cat food. He loved his <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Fancy Feast</i>. Maybe he’s waiting for a bus too?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I should look around.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Garamond','serif';">DAMN! Is that Brando over there? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
D.Kleinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03828095496569335217noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7331044713672791757.post-47671884205028409992012-07-22T18:34:00.000-04:002012-07-22T18:36:06.231-04:00Summer Break<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Georgia", "serif";">I’m not trying to make excuses, but I’ve been terribly busy with important shit.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not that writing for my blog is <em>not </em>important shit, even if it <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">is</i> mostly for me. But if I told you what I’ve been up to, I’d have to kill you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m saying that in a totally light-hearted way.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Jesus,</i> it’s <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">never</i> a good time to use an old comedy standard <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">these</i> days because it seems there are mass murders on a regular basis which make funny “killing” comments totally inappropriate.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Georgia", "serif";">What does one do about that?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Personally, I go more deeply into my already present depression and think about things from every perspective and every angle. Then I cry until I’m exhausted.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Georgia", "serif";">I have friends who believe we should soldier on and be happy and have fun, no matter <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">what</i>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Georgia", "serif";">Not me. I’m going to die anyway, so why pretend everything is swell?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Georgia", "serif";">So aside from the fact that I used an old comedy standard that is “if I tell you, I’d have to kill you,” I also believe I must incorporate the disclaimer.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Georgia", "serif";">How does one remain happy amidst tragedy?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Woody Allen says that </span><span lang="EN" style="color: black; font-family: "Georgia", "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">life is divided into the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">horrible</i> and the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">miserable</i>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And I paraphrase here, but he expanded on this in Annie Hall … I think.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So it basically means that the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">horrible</i> consists of those who have lost</span><span lang="EN" style="color: black; font-family: "Georgia", "serif"; font-size: 15pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"> </span><span style="font-family: "Georgia", "serif";">their homes, their lives, or loved ones through death, destruction, or tragedy, and the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">miserable</i> is everyone else. I’m thankful to be miserable.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Georgia", "serif";">I think life mostly sucks, but there are <em>really</em> <em>good</em> moments scattered here and there.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Georgia", "serif";">Thus, I have taken a break from posting here AND on the Safety Harbor Art and Music blog because I have stuff to do and I have no frigging time to do it because of overtime at work.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m GLAD for the OT, it’s just that when it stops, it will stop for YEARS.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So I must grab it while I can.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You’d think the money was actually making a difference.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s not.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Still, if I can make an extra 60 bucks a week for a little while, I’m going to do it.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Georgia", "serif";">It also means I’m too tired to write.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And the house looks like… well, I won’t go into it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Georgia", "serif";">I’ll see you down the road.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></span></div>D.Kleinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03828095496569335217noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7331044713672791757.post-25648334336091736742012-06-18T22:58:00.001-04:002012-09-27T20:43:47.481-04:00Winter Wedding<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Garamond", "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Garamond", "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">We’ll marry when we’re old.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Or not.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Garamond", "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">You wanted me for life when you were twenty, and I was seventeen.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Garamond", "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">But there were things I didn’t know I needed from the world.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Garamond", "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">The world had never gone beyond the shoreline,</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Garamond", "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">but it offered other boys … a baby girl. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Garamond", "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">And the years went by like a flash flood in a dry canyon.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Garamond", "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">We’ll marry when we’re old.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Or not. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Garamond", "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">We’ll move to Eugene and live in a cabin in a hazelnut grove.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Garamond", "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">You’ll stitch cotton prairie dresses for me and bring ginger tea</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Garamond", "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">out to the porch. We'll smile our eyes at each other,</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Garamond", "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">still finding it hard to believe we’d made our way back.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Garamond", "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Garamond", "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">We’ll marry when we’re old.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Or not.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Garamond", "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">I’ll work the gnarls out of your shoulders and we’ll laugh about</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Garamond", "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">the basement<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>and the four-way stop at Stars Corners</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Garamond", "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">where you taught me to kiss.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Garamond", "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">A cool breeze will lift my skirt and tufts of your grey hair that</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Garamond", "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">you’ll keep long around your ears.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Garamond", "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Garamond", "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Garamond", "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">We’ll have a dog and a cat, when we marry when we’re old. <span style="font-family: "Garamond", "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Or not.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Garamond", "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">But I’ve heard you love your dogs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And me, I love my cats.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Garamond", "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">We’ll watch them play from the porch in the hazelnut grove.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Garamond", "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">I’ll remind you how we fit together so well. You'll tell me you</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Garamond", "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">never forgot.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Your mother had my birthstone added to her ring. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Garamond", "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Did she keep it there? <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ll ask.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Garamond", "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">We probably won’t marry when we’re old </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Garamond", "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">in the way that people do.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Garamond", "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">You’ll write a song and sing it in your sweet old voice. You’ll play your guitar</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Garamond", "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">and I’ll make you a bolo tie of aspen wood. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Garamond", "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">We’ll promise ourselves to each <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>other forever, which won’t be very long.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Garamond", "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">And if you die first I’ll wrap you in lavender-scented linen</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Garamond", "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">and find a patch in the hazelnut grove.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The people from town</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Garamond", "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">will help.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ll wrap myself in quilts and sleep there with you until I’m </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Garamond", "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">sure you’ve found your way. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Garamond", "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And you would do the same for me. Because you’ve loved </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Garamond", "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">me since I walked away .</span></div>
D.Kleinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03828095496569335217noreply@blogger.com0